This week's sizzling Hot Topic comes to us from the lovely alpha_femm.

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When the Dominant Bungles:
How Do Doms and Subs Handle It?

Dom-Is-Right-Cuz-Dom-Is-Perfect: reasonable-minded pervs know this exciting fantasy is only rock & roll -- but we like it! Who wouldn’t? Adoring and obeying an ordinary Joe/Joan isn't such a hot dream -- and seeing yourself as the flawed dom ain't so erotic (err-otic? <g>) either.

In the ongoing process of hammering out a relationship, fantasy inevitably takes a hit and rock & roll suddenly loses its rhythm ... the dom screws up.

So, let's talk about what happens when the dominant bungles: how do doms and subs handle it?

Deb

Dominants are human too, they DO make mistakes and if anyone thinks for one minute their Dom can't make a mistake/do something wrong, then.... Ops!!!

:-)

I've never tried to cultivate an image of infallibility. When I have bungled something, it usually turns into silliness. If I seriously do something that upsets my partner, I will apologize. If there's a miscommunication, we'll talk things out.

The following is highly opinionated. Its my opinion.

A good dominant who makes a mistake will adjust, correct, learn from and take credit for the fuck up. The one time that I nearly broke both of gloria's legs and nearly decapitated the poodle at the same time, it was a scene stopper. If I am a quarter inch off with a cane, single tail, flogger etc, its usually not a scene stopper, but I still have to take responsibility. Dominants are not perfect, only submissives/slaves/bottoms are ;)

Justin Medlin
Young Dinosaur
Who Almost
Decapitated A
Poodle With
An Office Chair
Flair

Oh, no! It's the Headless Poodleman! ;)

From: Thorn4MyRose

Well, I thought I made a mistake once, but I was mistaken. <eg>

Seriously, I don't think most submissives expect their dominant to be 'perfect people', but I do think they have every expectation (and rightly so) that their dominant should be able to maintain 'perfect control' -- ESPECIALLY when a mistake is made.

As has been alluded to, admitting the error, correcting it as rapidly as possible, and moving on is the 'best' strategy. More importantly though, it demonstrates clear self-control and shows the submissive that their dominant is a fair, principled person who doesn't set double-standards. When the dominant makes a mistake, correcting THEMSELVES shows the submissive that their confidence can be maintained in the dominant's ability to correct and control the submissive. That confidence is only lessened when the submissive sees the dominant trying to make excuses or just sweep it under the rug.

Interestingly enough, I've found in the past that when I've made a mistake -- and I tend to be harder on myself in such circumstances than I EVER am on anyone else -- maintaining self-control and applying immediate corrective action brings about incredible support and causes a deeper bond to form. By showing sincere desire to fix the problem, the submissive gets to show devotion to supporting whatever needs to be done to fix it. In this way, it's done together to a degree and builds on their relationship.

Be safe,
Thorn

I like that this topic is called WHEN the D. bungles, not IF. There are no guarentees in life, with the exception that I'll fuck up from time to time. Everyone will.

What matters is how it's handled, as others have already pointed out. You face up, accept responsibility, and do what you can to avoid a repeat. If you can eventually have a laugh over it, then so much the better. Being able to laugh at yourself when its appropriate to do so is a wonderful, rare quality.

~C

Hi All-
 Like Craig, I find most screw ups lead to laughter. If it results in a serious injury, that would require correct and immediate action but if the top was being careful, well, that's the ball game. People get hurt playing tennis too. Deal with it, no recriminations.
  As far as most minor screw ups go, I try to be extra positive so my lady does not get down on herself- and I often will try extra hard to not show any untoward reactions.
  I think I value humor even more than kink-so I guess as long as laughter is involved, I consider it a win. -W

You see, people, this is why Dominants have to do a lot of homework. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience (no, really), but it's never a good thing when a nice romantic evening ends with sitting in the car in front of the hospital while trying to come up with a plausible cover story. (Honest, it's never happened to me. Really.)

But on the subject of humor: couldn't live without it. I'm middle aged, and I can only fake omnipotence for so long.

Brent

Hmmmm. When I think of dominants screwing up, I think of other things than playtime collapsing due to spatial miscalculation or falling on your ass from a stumble in the middle of the (empty) floor.

I've always wondered what then a submissive, who loves with all his/her heart, and through no fault of his/ hers, has been forced to be released due to circumstances of dom's life, owes to the dominant then.

The dominant suffers dreadfully, for s/he loves/loved the submissive, the slave with all his or her heart. Needs the comfort of his/her voice at the very least on occasion. Needs to talk, needs to have some contact. How much does the submissive owe his/her former dominant anyway? And how do they deal with it when even the sound of the former dom's voice on the phone puts them into the space they shared so passionately?

That's bungling on a degree of significance that's more than discovering the bondage rope is tangled beyond the dominant's ability to unpick -- at just the wrong moment. Ay-up, btdt one :)

Hi Thaien-
  I guess I do not think of what you just mentioned as bungling.
  I think whenever people get really close in an intensly passionate way, there is a chance to get really hurt.
  Maybe we need to rethink our terms when we refer to BDSM activities as play....W

Certainly by your definition of 'bungle' you are correct.

Thaien

Thaien and Winston,
The way I see it is that there is bungling which can do permanent emotional damage and/or end a relationship, that is not physical in nature. However, I disagree with Thaien that a dominant who must release a submissive due to life circumstances has bungled, unless those circumstances are due to dishonesty or other bungling on the part of the dominant.

Pushing a limit too hard is bungling. Trying to insist upon a poly relationship against the will of the other partner is bungling. Letting a submissive go because you must take in an elderly parent, or a grandchild isn't bungling. Sometimes life just throws things at us that we have to deal with.