So... it's my turn to ask a question (*whee!*)...

i'm curious.... what do ya'll think are the most common problems/issues that people living in M/s or D/s relationships face?

Let's discuss.

Honestly, i feel less and less like i can give good input on that question. Yes, i'm a slave. But i'm also a mother, and until some indeterminate time in the future (if ever) that's my primary face in my home. i have talked to very few people who identified as slaves who have lived in a home with their children. Basically, Master and i separate those two parts of our life. Although it is *always* there for the two of us, it is never apparent to anyone else. So in a few years when i can focus on being a slave, and not on surreptitiously being a slave, i might be able to provide some input.

Peace
firebaby

IMHO, and, I might add, in the opinion of many others, with whom I have talked and who share the same 24/7 M/s type of relationship that I have with janiece, the number one problem of all is...LIFE, regular, ordinary, everyday life. The bills, the shopping, the laundry, the work...all the little humdrum everyday things that create stress, sap energy, take time away from each other, and, in general, make Super Dom and super sub feel more like ground hamburger than themselves.

The job I have, for example, can be extremely stressful. There are nights when I come home and I feel like 3 cement trucks ran over me, my mind aches, and all I want to do is eat something and crash. I feel nothing at all like SROTU...and thank God than janiece, who once had the same job I have, understands, takes care of me and makes life as bearable as possible.

firebaby mentioned above that her LIFE with children seems to be her number one problem. Again, regular ordinary "real" life.

I guess it all boils down to how you deal with "real life"...how you "adapt" to those pressures and keep them from interfering, as much as possible, with your M/s relationship. In my opinion, most everything else will fall into place as long as you face the challenge of "real life" and succeed in allowing it to interfere as little as possible. I state this because, I find that "real life" controls, and exacerbates all of the other "major" problems that M/s or D/s relationships face.

My $.02

Knyghtflyher

P.S. The use of "real" life, in no way, should be construed as meaning that the M/s life I live with my slave janiece is anything less than "real"...that life is always present. BUT...we both have "nilla" lives and that is the "real" life to which I refer. After all, wearing leather and chains to work will not make me particularly "upwardly mobile" at my workplace and janiece does not do the marketing wearing her cuffs and "working" collar...lol.

"i'm curious.... what do ya'll think are the most common problems/issues that people living in M/s or D/s relationships face?"

1) Balancing fantasy to everyday life

2) maintaing head space at some minimal level outside
   of "play"

3) not only knowing who and what you are, not only
   accepting who and what you are, but being
   comfortable with who and what you are, as well as
   proud of it.

Justin Medlin
Jaded Young Dinosaur
According to Master.com

Hi slave marsha,

First, I wanted to tell you how impressed and inspired I am by your and Master Jim's relationship. I'm so pleased to have been able to meet you through this wonderful venue.

Motherhood is the biggest obstacle for our relationship.I find it so difficult to strike a balance in my life juggling these two very important roles. I'm having trouble switching from Mom, who is in charge, to the relaxed and ready to serve submissive. I feel so guilty when I dream of the day we might be alone, even for a weekend. I know how precious each moment is, that one day he (my son)wont want me to kiss him good night or come to me for comfort after a bad dream. But at the same time I fantasize about the day when I can serve without distraction.

The second problem we face is stress. Stress from family, work, and every day life. Our schedule is so busy with home maintenance, hockey practice, and training a new puppy we hardly have time to talk, let alone get romantic or kinky ;-)

secret,

"stress is the number one killer in america"

I have a couple of time honored tricks that help reduce stress levels.

1. just because the little bell on the phone is ringing does not mean you HAVE to answer it

2. save opening friday's mail for monday; most problems you might have to deal with that arrive in the mail have to wait till then anyway, so why ruin the days off?

slave marsha:

#1 problem is TIME.

#2 problem is not being able to talk about my life the way everyone (vanilla) talks about theirs

#3 problem is $$$. My mother is fond of saying "money can't solve everything, but my problems it can".

I suppose that having to wait to purchase a new toy has its own lessons tho.

Hi slave Marsha,

I shouldn't really answer this because the question is for people living in M/s D/s relationships. That doesn't really pertain to me.. but I just have to say something here. :)

My #1 "problem"
Justin said it perfectly...
<<3) not only knowing who and what you are, not only
   accepting who and what you are, but being
   comfortable with who and what you are, as well as
   proud of it.>>

How?

#2- Being submissive and being married to someone 'nilla (bless his heart..LOL)

Actually, I can't say that's a huge problem, maybe more his than mine. <g> The play is where the problem comes in. I would like, he can't.. the end.
 
Everything else I'm able to work (sneak) my submission in.

So that brings
#3- Not being able to play

If I was living in a D/s relationship, I could probably think of more problems. LOL But 3 is what I come up with.

~Chris

All,

i have to agree that "life" is the issue i hear people in M/s and D/s relationships struggle with all the time. You know, we are trying to live in a society that offers almost no support, structure or "training" for how to live this way. Until recently, there were almost no books out there on M/s or D/s relationships -- and as much as i love some of the people who've written some recently, and as much good information as some of them have, they aren't anything like the years and years of socialization we receive in how to live and function in "traditional" relationships, nor is there the amount of information available to us that you can get on traditional relationships with one quick trip to your local Borders or Barnes and Noble store. i completely agree with rabidchihauhau -- it's really difficult to not be able to talk about our lives the same way everyone else can talk about theirs.

(Humorous anecdote break: i never call Master Jim by His first name, unless we're in vanilla company and it's absolutely, positively unavoidable. So, when i got a new secretary at work, i started referring to Him as "The Man." Now, you can often hear the dulcet tones of my "veddy British" secretary calling down the hall -- 'marsha.... The Man is on the line for you....hurry up....')

Now back to our regularly scheduled response.

One ritual that Master Jim has me do that helps me keep things in perspective, is every day when i get to work, i am to pause for a moment and say, "Everything i do today, i do as service to Him." That way, He gives me "permission" to do whatever i need to do the best job possible as an attorney. So, if that means i have to be tough to do my job, that's okay, that's not unslave-like -- that's me, serving Him. If i have to manage people (and i do), i take charge and do that. It's service to Him. It also helps me to *not* look at my life as divided into "vanilla" and "non-vanilla" -- it's just my life as a slave, doing different things in service to Him.

Hello marsha

i don't know how your job is, but i know how mine is and i can't just take off without consequences on the job.

i was wondering if there have been times when Master Jim has told you to blow off work in order to do something for him. Maybe not something crucial--maybe like wanting you to come clear snow off the walk or something. Or i was wondering what happens when you know you are supposed to be home at certain time and then emergency happens at work and if you do not stay and do it, it will be... very bad. But if you stay then it will be very bad too at home.

Ok, i am terrible at asking questions. Maybe i was just wondering how you balance work and being owned.

singed_phoenix---

You're not terrible at asking questions at all! Now, let's see if i'm any good at answering.

i can't think of a time that Master Jim has told me to not go to work or to come home in order to do something that would seem to be non-critical. He *has* told me to not go to work or to come home, for example, when it was clear that i was physically in no shape to be there. (On my own, i do NOT do a good job of taking care of myself physically.) i think the reason this hasn't happened to me is that Master Jim is very clear that my work is service to Him -- and very important service. He believes that one of His primary responsibilities as an Owner is to prioritize the tasks that i do for Him (including my work outside of His home) and to manage my time. Because He values the service i render to Him in my work, He places a priority on it, and isn't likely to tell me to blow it off for some other service less important to Him -- although He certainly could, if He wished.

i suppose the next logical question is, how is my outside work service to Him? Whenever i answer this question, i see horrified looks on the faces of some people listening... but, here goes. As a slave, all the money i earn from working is Master Jim's. i make a very good salary as an attorney. Making that money is service to Him.

While Master Jim hasn't instructed me to blow off work to do something else for Him, what He has done is to make the decision that i will not pursue my work outside of His home in a way that will take all of my time and leave no time for other service. For the first 9 years of my practice as an attorney, i worked at a couple of very large law firms -- one of them an international firm -- and was on track to make partner in the international firm. If i had pursued that track -- and believe me, i've always been a very goal achieving kind of person -- it would have meant a *lot* of money eventually, and a lot of power in the legal world. It also would have meant absolutely no time at all for anything else. Those jobs are grueling. Master Jim made the decision that i would get off that track, so that He could order my time to serve Him in different ways. Now, i work as in-house counsel in an international corporation. my time is considerably more flexible, and He can take the 24 hours in my day (unfortunately, as much as i'd like to have more, even slaves only have 24 hours a day) and order my service to suit Him.

marsha thank you for answering. i am not going to give you a horrified look about the money thing, but i do have a question about it because it is similar to my situation and i have been thinking about it very much.

you said Master Jim gets your pay check. Was it like this in the beginning or was this something that developed in time? Did it take you awhile to trust him with this?

What happens if (goddess forbid) the relationship ends? Have you or Master Jim made provisions for your financial future should that happen or would you just be left with nothing?

Ok, one more sub-part of this multi-part question. Do you think that a slave in this situation is protected in any way from being gouged, by such things as domestic partner laws? Or are we on our own?

(Maybe this is outside your area of expertise as lawyer but i thought maybe you'd know anyway, being a slave too.)

i am just finishing phd and have nothing right now but have secured good job starting soon. So i have student loans and nothing to fall back on should i hand over 100% of paycheck.

Again, thank you so much for answering last question. i have been reading all of the messages in this area and i am learning much.

singed_phoenix...

No, i definitely did not hand over control of the money i earn from the start. It probably bears repeating that i had known Master Jim and had been in various other relationships with Him for several years before i entered into service as His slave. So i had ample opportunity to observe whether or not "He walked His talk" and to develop trust in Him in this area. In addition, even with that, He did not take complete financial control immediately. He took control of my life (including finances) slowly, over time, after i entered into His service.

Master Jim and i have no formal arrangement for what would happen should He dismiss me from His service. However, part of His philosophy of ethical ownership is taking responsibility for *all* decisions He makes in this relationship, and that would include a decision to release me. i trust He would act ethically in this and would make some provision for me. (And the bottom line is, i would still have my law license and would be able to continue to practice law.)

You're right that family law isn't my area of expertise, but i can say this: what constitutes a domestic partnership is going to vary according to state law. my guess is that some Master/slave relationships might satisfy the requirements, but many probably would not. In other words, don't count on it. The Kinky Lawyer here at Gloria's site probably can provide a much better answer to this question than i can.

Thank you so much, marsha. This dialogue has truly helped me greatly. Have been struggling with this one.