What are the ways to determine if a Dom is really a Dom, or just another selfish person who likes things done for and to them ? And it can be said the other way as well, how does one know one is really a sub or just another selfish person who likes things done for and to them as well.

if you can tell the difference between a bouquet of silk flowers and real ones......

phoney Dominants elicit nothing from me, but there's nothing like the real thing, because the connection slams into me like a tangible beam of pure power and my knees go weak....

a phoney sub? a whip is a good litmus test (with a few alligator clips, and a few assorted toys). submission is a state of being, not a fashion statement, this girl thinks.....

a person's looks are only skin deep, but power cuts through to the bone and soul.

In one sense or another, aren't we all selfish people who like things done to us?

"Submission is a state of being, not a fashion statement..."
An astute commentary on the confusing (albeit arousing) proliferation of fetish fashion these days.
There's a lot of people out there who are only "skin" deep...

A real submissive cannot be determined by using toys on her. That is like saying that you can tell a true dom by the way he uses his toys.

It takes alot more than that, how does she act? how does she react? what does she say? how does she say it?
What is it in her demeanor that radiates from her that say she is submissive. You can also pose the questions to a dom.

If a Dom is just interested in having a someone around to be a gopher then it would not be hard to tell. Ask yourself, besides telling me what to do, what is he doing for me, is he seeing that my needs are met, is he listening, am I doing all the giving and none of the getting.

krae1122?

there can be a route, mechanical aptitude with Dominance.

there can be a skilled, technical expertise.

and then there is artistry, a consummate, luscious and uninhibited natural Mastery.

my contemporary experience in the outside world is limited - our home is remote. i tend to think in concepts of absolutes (shy).

perhaps another way i could try and explain:

if you are a silk flower, then perhaps you would be attracted to a plastic bee; and likewise be quite uncertain of your status in the presence of something alive, yes?

( a girl speaks metaphorically, never personally, please)

If I was looking for a Dom again (not an issue that'll come up for me, knock on wood!) I would look for someone is self-confident in themselves and their Dominant nature but not to the point of being pompous, and someone who really enjoys not just being in charge, but actively controlling me. Since I'm a masochist I'd also look for someone who really enjoys causing serious erotic pain to a willing victim :)

kittypet2001, you wanted to distinguish a Real Dom (tm) from someone who's selfish and wants things done for them. One thing I'd focus on is whether someone "wants things done for them" or whether they really enjoy the process of controlling a submissive. Then of course you have to ask, CAN they control a willing submissive?

There's that stuff and then there's stuff like whether the person is decent, kind, good, honest, trustworthy and all those other good qualities that have nothing to do with dominance (imho) but that one would want in any partner, vanilla or kinky, Dominant or submissive. And then there's like trisha said, does the Dom make your knees go weak ;)

Anyway that's some off the cuff thoughts.