I am very new at this.... I met a man a few months ago who is into spanking and caning he is a switch... He wants me to hit him and I am not sure how to start... We get on well and sex with him is great but he seems to need more than this and I want to be able to give him what he needs

Hello Trish

Two words -- GO SLOW!

For starters, forget the cane. If you're new at this, stick with your bare hand. Not only are you far less likely to do any real damage this way, but you'll find it far easier to develop a feel for what you're doing ... no pun intended. Toys can come later ... for now, let's stick with spanking by hand. Besides ... it's damn erotic!

It's tough to tell you what to do because everyone is an individual, and what does the trick for one person may not do anything for someone else. Really, the key here is communication ... go slowly, try different approaches, and let your partner tell you what works best in terms of intensity, position, and force. Experiment by slapping your own ass, so you can get a feel for what various intensities actually feel like.

Here's a few other things to consider:

1. Start slow! Begin by simply touching his ass, really concentrating on the center of the buttocks. Knead it. Massage it. Rub it. Lightly slap it. The idea here is to get the blood flowing through his capillaries, and this is easily accomplished with touch. You can gently pinch his butt now and then and see how he responds. After a few cursory, gently, slaps, you can gradually go with more intense smacks. But start gently and work your way up -- this will give his body an opportunity to warm up and handle smacks that would be unpleasant otherwise, and lets him drift into a wonderful mindset. His tolerance for stimulation could be anywhere from mild to wild, so you'll have to watch him and talk with him as you increase the intensity. He will let you know when you've built up to the right level.

2. Start by giving him soft, gentle smacks square on the center of the buttocks with a relaxed, partially opened hand. Watch his skin to see if it comes up red, or if its more relaxed. Talk with him. Ask him how he likes it. Harder? faster? Ask whether he likes the intensity to be consistent, or if surprising him with the occasional good hard smack works better. Try a few smacks with your hand held stiff and flat. It feels different than smacks with a relaxed, open palm. He may like one approach over the other. Talk to each other and see what works best.

3. His relative position will affect how it all feels. To start, have him lay flat on his stomach, so the buttocks are soft and relaxed. Putting him on all fours will serve to tighten his muscles, so your smacks will sting a bit more. Putting him over your knee represents a halfway point ... the flesh is tighter than if he were laying flat, but not so tight as if he was on all fours. If you really want to give it to him, bend him over the back of the sofa, so the glutes are fully extended. Don't have him stand and clutch his ankles ... asking him to maintain his balance like that is a bit much ... it will interfere with his enjoyment.

4. Variety counts. Although some people become orgasmic with a consistent, repetitive spank, most of the women I've ever played with enjoyed mixing things up a bit, by periodically changing intensity, frequency and location (higher or lower on the buttock, down onto the upper thighs, towards or away from the center of their butt). Try it with him. He may also enjoy the variety and the odd surprise.

5. Once you've played for a few weeks and you're comfortable with each other, you can try adding some new twists. Rub his ass with an ice cube before or after spanking him. Wear a leather glove. Have him count the blows out loud and beg for more. If things are really going along well, maybe then think about using a toy. A simple wooden spatula is a great place to start ... again it's tough to really hurt someone with one, but wow, what a different feeling from a hand! When you go with the toy, it's the same process all over ... start slow and get to know what works through constant communication. Talk with each other a lot, and go with what seems to work best.

Canes can be pretty severe. On one hand, there's nothing that feels quite like a cane, which is why so many men and women are absolutely hooked on them. But you can do some real damage with a cane if you're not sure what you're doing. Once you're comfortable spanking him with hand or with other toys, it would be worthwhile checking out a caning demo at a local bdsm club. Depending where you live, you should be able to find something nearby ... check the listings in Steelsky's and Lady Sierra's space.

Above all else ... have fun! Erotic play between lovers is the single greatest intimacy in life. If you think the sex is great now, just wait to see what he's like after you spank him! Holy cow! Hang on everyone!

:)

Craig

Craig,
I am surprised by the amount of time and effort you put into answering my question!
Thank you!
I showed my question and your response to my friend. He was pleased that I had gone to the effort. He may take me to a demonstration one day, he says that he has been to a couple of parties and I can get some ideas there.
I am surprised at myself as I have been able to smack him. I don't believe in corporal punishment for children at all and am totally against violence of any kind so it is strange that I was so easily able to smack him! I wonder what that means? I will continue to experiment and see where it leads us. Thanks again for your advice>

Trish ..... my pleasure! That's what this little community is all about.

Don't be terribly surprised that you were able to smack him, as you put it, despite your feelings towards violence and corporal punishment of children. Most people here, I suspect, would share your views concerning violence. But sensual play between consenting adults is an entirely different matter, and that's what we're really talking about here.

Consider it this way -- we're talking about you doing something that will please your partner, both physically and emotionally. Unlike violence, consensual stimulatory play is based on mutual trust, love and respect. How you actually provide that stimulation -- whether we're talking an over-the-knee spanking, a caning, genital stimulation or a plain old blowjob -- is little more than a matter of mechanics. The intention, of participating in an intimate activity that will provide you both with pleasure, is exactly the same.

Forget how others would judge your intimate pleasures. What matters is how the two of your feel. If he likes to be spanked or caned, and you want to give him that pleasure, then you have something very special. Enjoy it.
 
Craig

This is a helpful thread for me. I am a total neophite to the whole scene. However I have met a wonderful woman, and we are in love. However, we are both married to other people. Our spouses are plain vanilla types. She has been into the scene before, but with negative results. She has broached the idea with me and I first I resisted. But now I'm wanting to try it.

She wants to be spanked, with my hand or maybe a leather (floppy paddle) and to be shaved. We both plan to meet and have a day for fun. Including a collaring, and some jewelry.

She and I both agree that we need to do this. We have personal needs that our spouses would not stand for. It is a moral and logistical problem of course. Indeed we both wonder if allowing ourselves to do this will keep us from being so frustrated that we leave our spouses, but that's another thread.

But it all feels a little like a put on. I would never strike her for "Wanting to go too fast" or "having long pubic hair" (things we've talked about).

How does one find the balance between being real and being actors?

rvrose tell me if you are in love with each other why are you staying with your spouses???
I guess there may be children involve, I don't know!
It must be wonderful to meet someone who feels the same way that you do! To feel fre to act and do the things you have both only been able to dream about! Go slow be careful but have fun

communication, communication, communication...

If I'm playing with someone new we negotiate lots and lots. Heck, if I'm playing with my BF and we try something new, we negotiate lots and lots!

Sometimes things that make us wiggle in embarassment are really fun to do. Soemtimes things I do to him (or him to me) backfire and safewords are needed to safely end the interaction. Then we communicate lots more!

I think the fact that what we do turns us both on, totally overcomes the fact that I've got this big strong guy on his knees in front of me with bells on clips on his nipples. All he'd have to do is stand up and say in his most sarcastic voice "get this shit offa me" and I'd be embarassed, in tears and out of there soooo fast.

Its the arousal factor that helps us suspend the sense of disbelief and for me to get him into more restrictive things he cannot get out of...

Ann

rvrose - your question about how to balance being real and being actors .......

It's entirely up to the two of you. You might like to involve some 'acting' in your scene, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with a straightforward spanking whilst being yourselves, and in fact that might be a good way to do it the first time. If she is more experienced she could also be more directive to start with, if both are you are happy with that. That might be easier to do when you're not acting. If you both want to indulge, there's no need to pretend that it's a punishment or whatever [unless you want to :)].

As for the complicated relationship setup, I wasn't sure from your post if you were actually asking for advice or just giving information, so I'll keep quiet for now :).

i have a related problem. i am very much in love with my very pure vanilla wife but need bdsm. It makes it difficult and guilt feelings to one degree or another continue to challenge the emotions.

Jewel wrote:
<<As for the complicated relationship setup, I wasn't sure from your post if you were actually asking for advice or just giving information, so I'll keep quiet for now :).>>

It was for information, but if you have any thoughts, please go ahead and share them.

Thanks to everyone who responded so far. It all helps.

Vanilla is nice! especially if it is rich and creamy!
I have been vanilla all my life and up until I met my man of a different flavour I didn't really know that anyone else existed! Now I have found a new flovour and I quite like it!!
Still like my rich vanilla!!!

Hi Karenstmm,

<sigh> How I know your frustrations. I have a few post on this board about the exact same thing for the past couple of years.

A little background:
I've been married 13 years (in July). While struggling a time with my marriage and myself I stumbled across the whole BDSM "stuff" a few years ago. Actually was introduced to it by someone I knew, met and feel in love with online first then RT. To make a very long, wonderful yet sometimes tearful story shorter.... This "other" person became my Dom while my husband had no clue but later found out.

Soooo... now today, here I am, at home with my husband who STILL has no "want to" about this lifestyle. BUT the difference is now he knows. He knows how I feel, he knows who I am, he knows my wants and needs, he knows we are not the same in our needs. He understands the difference which I honest to goodness think is a huge key. And the only way for him to know these things was for me to actually COMMUNICATE those things to him. Not me just getting frustrated at the fact that I "think" he doesn't understand. (this took a couple of years for me to figure out) <g>

I still talk to the man that became my Dom. We have a wonderful relationship for what we decided to make it.

Now, does that mean I'm completely content and happy? Gosh no. What I wouldn't give for a great beating, complete with bruisings and marks. :) And oh how I miss the very context of what the lifestyle has to offer.

What has happened though, is something that I REALLY didn't think ever would. My husband and I became closer and fell BACK in love, which I think has a lot to do with things I learned in the lifestyle. The trust and communication to name the top and most important two.

My Dom and I both knew there would come a time when a decision would have to be made. There came an event in our lives that pretty much made the decision for us. With the decision came a choice of losing something on both sides. Losing something I completely loved, not to mention a chance of living a life that just was not who I had become. I thought maybe leaving behind ALL lifestyle issues would "heal" me.... (silly me) LOL I had nothing to be healed, I was perfectly fine being who I was. So I chose to include myself, who I was with this lifestyle, not hide from it. That way, at least for now, I'm ok and at least to some degree I feel as if I am a part. I don't know what my future holds. But I do know that whatever it is, my husband will now be involved in all parts of my life. Ex: My latest is to venture out to "meet and greet" people within the lifestyle. To my surprise, my husband thinks the idea is a great one.

I'm not offering any solutions, just giving you the knowledge that there is understanding out here. This is a very real and huge struggle, especially the guilt part. If you have any questions, please feel free to give me a yell.

~Chris

So what you are saying is that in the end honesty is the best policy and that love that is strong will endure! I hope that together you can make your life together even better than it was before. i up until a couple of weeks ago if you read back had never been into anything besides vanilla sex and now at 53 am on an adventure into a kinky lifestyle (one I never expected).

rvrose wrote:
"How does one find the balance between being real and being actors?"

It was 6 years ago I began exploring my fetish desires that had been hid within as fantasies since childhood.
I've read, explored and experienced real time.
While I'm not a BDSM "proper" player, (no other way I know how to describe it), my fetish is deeply engrained within me and forms a core of who I am.

I had already gone through an unexpected divorce when I began to meet several safe mentors. I met them through spanking groups online, but some were into other aspects of BDSM.
One mentor called himself a "facilitator" <s> and he played sooooo many scenarios with me to hep me discover what it was I needed and desired in order to reciprocate fully in a relationship.

TROUBLE:
Things were going okay for me as I was not committed to *anyone* and certainly over the age of 21.
My first heartbreak, however, ensued when I met a local Dom who had been in the lifestyle for 20+ years and who was a public figure married to a vanilla woman.

I became his "side sub" as I was to learn that he had a collared slave living about 3 hours away from us. She, too, was married to a vanilla spouse.
Neither of the vanilla spouses knew of thier mates being involved in the lifestyle - nor with another person.

*I* knew and eventually broke out of the cycle of events. It hurt, but feeling used hurt worse.

THE POINT:
The local Dom and his collared slave had met at a party and then continued contact, and the emotions developed.
I was there when the 2 vanilla spouses found out. It was not a pretty sight.

I've since left that area and have no idea how things ended for everyone involved...including children, in-laws, etc.
It just doesn't seem to affect only the 2 people involved.

YOUR QUESTON:
Do you want it to be "real"? While you say the spouse issue is another "thread" - I'm not so certain I agree.
From first contact forward you run the possibility of desiring the other more and more.
Perhaps discussing *what* you are willing to give up if having to choose becomes an issue could become a priority for you.

MY OPINION:
I'm not trying to *judge* your actions, etc.
I can only speak from my experience, which others may see as minimal.
I do know, however, that *for me*, when I am with someone and there is chemistry between us, the "role-play" is immediately transformed into "reality."
I have to do nothing to "find a balance."
Sure, one can propose a scene that addresses real life issues as opposed to completely making up a role-play.
But - I am "drawn in".
I do not see it as a "weakness" because I *want* to go there.

I've had 3 major relationships in which the above happened. For several reasons the relationships did not last.

ADVICE:
Speak to this other person and discuss the potential repercussions to your marriages and if you want to go there.
Discuss being open and honest with your vanilla spouses.

the best,

Sublimity

~~~She wants to be spanked, with my hand or maybe a leather (floppy paddle) and to be shaved.~~~
Will shaving, or bruises, be difficult for her to explain to her vanilla husband?

~~~It is a moral and logistical problem of course. Indeed we both wonder if allowing ourselves to do this will keep us from being so frustrated that we leave our spouses, but that's another thread.~~~
I'm not going to comment on the moral issues, but may I ask if you have actually broached the possibility with your wife, or if you're just assuming that she'll say no? Sometimes, those we know "best" surprise us the most. I don't know whether doing this will keep you from getting more frustrated. It could go the other way, and make your need for BDSM stronger.

~~~But it all feels a little like a put on. I would never strike her for "Wanting to go too fast" or "having long pubic hair" (things we've talked about).~~~
Some people like play punishment scenes, but they certainly aren't necessary. It's perfectly ok to spank someone because that is what you both like, or to flog/cane/clamp/humiliate in a good way/whatever gets you both going. If having play "reasons" to do it floats your boat, great, enjoy the role play.

Opalescent Dreams wrote
"I'm not going to comment on the moral issues, but may I ask if you have actually broached the possibility with your wife, or if you're just assuming that she'll say no? Sometimes, those we know "best" surprise us the most. I don't know whether doing this will keep you from getting more frustrated. It could go the other way, and make your need for BDSM stronger."

Yes, and got no where with it.

"Will shaving, or bruises, be difficult for her to explain to her vanilla husband?"
  we've figured that out. I'll leave it at that.

But it remains a dilemma, we sometimes wonder why we don't just get married. Issue is the kids, as trishglossop thought.

rvrose,
You might want to keep it to activities that aren't going to leave bruises or major changes like shaving, then. Sensation play, bondage, humiliation, and such aren't nearly as likely to be noticable. Of course, if the way that you *want* to get out of the marriage is by having her husband call your wife to complain about you leaving bruises on his wife and shaving her pussy...

>I have been vanilla all my life and up until I met my man of a different flavour I didn't really know that anyone else existed! Now I have found a new flovour and I quite like it!! <

Thanks for this comment. I'm the man of a different flavor to my current lover, she only wants vanilla right now though and is afraid to try anything other but desires to. I personally cannot stand vanilla-I dont really enjoy it unless there are other flavors I like mixed in with it.