A thought .........
since the novice is entering a lifestyle that is unfamiliar yet intriguing ..... usually because they have suddenly realized that their submissive nature is out of place in the Vanilla world ... what do you feel is the one Vanilla "mindset" that is the most difficult to either overcome .... reinvent ..... or just toss out with the trash.
Along with that ... what do you feel is the most difficult "mindset" of the BDSM philosophy to grasp and internalize?

Storm

*what do you feel is the one Vanilla "mindset" that is the most difficult to either overcome .... reinvent ..... or just toss out with the trash.
Along with that ... what do you feel is the most difficult "mindset" of the BDSM philosophy to grasp and internalize?*

Storm,
This only comes from my personal experience:
the answer to both of your questions was one and the same for me. To be able to relinquish power and control

Crickett

Storm

i would have to agree with Crickett on this one. Since we live in world where having personal control is high on about everyone's lists, giving up that control willingly can be very hard. i would say that this is especially true when a man is giving up control, because we have it ingrained in us at an early age that men are supposed to be the ones in charge. To give up that power can make you seem less than a man in many people eyes. Trust me i've heard all the talk about guys being pussy whipped (as if that's a bad thing <g>).

As for the BDSM aspect that can be hard to grasp when you're a newbie, i would have to go with the physical, pain as pleasure aspect. i've gotten spanked plenty of times when i was little boy (yes, i was a naughty boy <g>), and i didn't find it any fun at all. i thought that i would immediately look at a flogger and yell "safeword!" Oh, how wrong i was! When i was lashed 150 times across the back with a leather belt, i really wanted more! i didn't know how good it could feel with the right encouragement. So for all you vanilla people reading this who are still confused at the thought of pain=pleasure, i say, DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT!

Dwayne

I agree. Giving up total control and obeying is the hardest thing to do and the hardest thing to learn how to do. You may think you are doing it and saying the right words to your DOM, but it may be play acting or you may be holding that little something in reserve. It is easy to submit to those things that give you joy and are part of your desires but there is that mental leap where you are submitting to your Dom for Her pleasure without mental hesitation. my enjoyment and excitement comes as we push the barriers and i am brought along by my Mistress to willingly, without qualms, obey Her commands for things that i would not or could not have done before. i am just beginning this journey and recognize i have a way to go to reach the right mental state.

For me, without a doubt the hardest thing is to not hide any part of myself from Master. All my life i've believed that a certain amount of conformity is required if i'm to live in this world unmolested. But inside i can feel/think/imagine anything i want; i'm free. Now, i have nothing to hide. That's hard - very hard. When i'm daydreaming and he asks "What are you thinking?" he doesn't want to hear "Nothing." He really wants to know that i was singing "Me and Bobby McGee" in my head, or thinking about the apparent link between depression and submissives that i've noticed. Or, for that matter, if i'm thinking how unfair he was over the dinner thing, that's what he wants to know, and that's what he hears. Doing, for me, is easy; getting my mind right is a bit harder; but completely opening up - damn, that's *hard*!

Peace
firebaby

As I am fairly new to the mental aspects of the BDSM I would have to say the hardest thing for me is learning to let go of the 'vanilla' mindset that I am being abused, mistreated, disrespected, and have NO sense of self worth if I 'allow and submit' myself to various BDSM interplays.

Its difficult sometimes to know the difference, especially if you are trying to overcome years of engrained social, mental and even emotional ideals (romantic love thing) and have a history of choosing poorly in the vanilla arena.

The hardest BDSM mindset to overcome is the seemingly 'anything goes' mentality and if you don't do 'it'....whatever that might be, playing with toys, kneeling, standing over someone, getting or giving a lashing...you're not submissive or dominant 'enough'.

There are certain things I will not do, they do nothing for me submissively or erotically and just plain irritate or gross me out. Does it mean that I am not submissive if there are things I will not do...even if my Master or Dom wants them? Or does it simply mean I am trying to take care of myself for safety reasons, emotionally and physically?

There are certain things I can not do, as I have no experience with them and need to develop trust to be able too do them with someone...at least to this point...that's always open for improvement and encouragement though *g*. I again, repeat the same questions listed above....

There seems to be a...we'll be open minded about you as a submissive or dominant as long as you do it right thing going on...if anyone figures out what the 'right thing' is, please let me know...sure would my life easier...*g*

fix8ed

P.S.....oh yeah, the relinquishing control and power thing too...*G*
fix8ed

Fix8ed,

I am going to sit here and say no matter what people tell you..you are on the right track. This is why when one meets a Dom and gets involved you have communication to tell them what your limits are and what you feel is not working. At one time I thought it was selfish to tell them this act is to horrific but if they are sensitive to your emotional state of mind then they will understand. I wish everyone had a Dom who was sensitive as well as Sturn but this is not always the case.

The anything goes mentality needs to be thrown out the window and you need to stand your ground in the beginning with your thoughts on how you feel about everything. The Dom you may choose might not be compatible with you...no different then vanilla it is all the same. Follow your heart and keep sense of instinct...we all have it you just need to listen to it. If it doesn't feel right then it is not right.

You sound like you have had a long history of sadness and it has taken a toll on you. Do not be afraid to be picky about what Dom you end up with...it's ok...just because they say get on your knees now or else you are not submissive is bullshit. They are snerts and power tripping and in the end will not have anyone. Submission is not about all the physical aspects...it is about the depth of your heart and what you need to be BUT not to everyone who comes along. You are not a doormat...you are human being with feelings and concerns.

One more thing, all the things people experience in D/s comes with "Time" that is the key. Take it slow...honestly it takes the truest of relationships a lot of time to fully experience all that we do. Rushing it only causes confusion.

Stay strong and do not allow them to eat you alive.

*~Dawn~*

******if anyone figures out what the 'right thing' is, please let me know...sure would my life easier...*g* ******

<chuckling>

the *right thing* is, what ever makes you and the one you are with, happy and complete. <s>

The hardest thing for me…and I am very new…to the D/s world.. actually I am still in the searching learning mode.

I have found the most difficult thing so far is the contradictory feelings I have for what I think I want, a D/s relationship, and everything I have been raised to believe. I was raised in a very loving and all most “perfect” household (that is what my girlfriend always says and I have a tendency to agree with her)…. And I feel like I am just “spitting” on all that I was raised to believe….and in doing so…showing the up most disrespect for the people I love so very very much, my mother and my father (who has passed away) and my siblings.

And I have heard it before…”all they would ever want is for you to be happy”…..fine…. but, isn’t the fact that i am a lesbian “torture” enough for them?

offthegrid,

I could not help myself to reply to you in this subject. I am glad you had a happy life growing up and things went well for you...you are truly blessed.

However I would like to point something out to you. People meet...they get married they have a child and the child grows up. I totally understand the morals and all the upbringing things that go along with pleasing your parents. However, when you grow up your parents expect you and raise you to do what you feel is right and parents say do what makes you happy. Of course they don't realize to what they are consenting to sometimes but they do raise you to be an individual with your own thoughts and feelings.

If we all lived the perfect life our parents expected us to be...would we really be living to the fullest of our compasity? If we listened to what our parents felt was right or wrong would we truely be giving ourselves open and honest thoughts? If we lived the way our parents did would we be living the way we truely desire?

If I were to answer any of these I know for a fact most if not all of us view things different then our parents. When a parent loves their child it is suppose to be unconditional love. You are not torturing them by being a lesbian...you are living for yourself and following your heart and your beliefs...this is not wrong. It is not disrespectful neither.

Did you stop to think that maybe a part of them wishes they did things they have always wished to do but were too afraid because of what their parents thought or believed or how they were raised or what their parents thought was right. Live for yourself and the rest will fall into place. It is not wrong to be the beautiful individual you are. That is what makes all of us special...the world would be a rather boring place if we did not do what we felt was right.

 You understand right from wrong...as long as you are not a mean person then no one here will judge you for who you are or what you believe and if they do then they need to look into themselves and their petty jealousies and insecurities.

WE all have been raised one way and we live another way we may not be totally open to how we live with our parents but hey who said they have to know every little detail.

hope you find peace
*~Dawn~*

Well since i never had a vanilla life to worry about that isn't so hard for me, however my Master says that i have to react and obey. Now this was in response to me having lots of worries and concerns about my being able to please Him and being pleasing to Him. And his answer to me was adsum, what will please Me most is if you react to Me and Obey Me the rest will come stop worrying and just be.