i guess i could post this almost anywhere, or (even better) not post at all, but with all the talk of shutting the "Just for" boards, i figured i'd post here before this board goes the way of the dodo.

i'm very uncomfortable discussing my feelings, especially when they're negative. Basically, i consider it wallowing and it's not a good thing. But here they are, just because. i'm currently in a period of feeling isolated from everyone but my family. i felt like that for the first 35 years of my life, and then i found friends and people with whom i had things in common. But occasionally i slip back into the old mindset, the past couple of weeks being the latest of those times. i'm sure i'm not the only one this happens to, and i'm not looking for "feel-good" responses here. Like i said, i consider this a negative trait in myself and don't really like to see it encouraged.

i'm only human - and a deeply flawed one at that - but under normal circumstances i feel i have a place here. i guess that's why i decided to post (that, and a farewell to this "Just for Submissives" board. :)

Peace
firebaby

Dearest firebaby,

I am not going to give you a pick me up....you seem to not wish for people to feel sorry for you. Allow me to share some part of this lil world I am in from time to time.

I too go off the deep end and isolate myself from the world. This is why sometimes people see me for brief moments of time and when I am around everyone knows it. They feel it. There is nothing wrong with being human and having flaws...no one is perfect as I am sure already know.

My isolation comes from a deep dark place in my heart. I have serious problems getting close to people. You would not know that from the things I share with the world but it is true. My writting is my way to release. I did not have a so nice life but I do not allow that to hinder my heart all the time.

There was a time I let anyone and everyone into that special place and then one day the cracks in my heart could not be mended anymore. For many years I isolated myself and then once I started school I went into shock...was quiet for about 7 months and before I left I made a friend. She is not like the kind of friend I can go down the street and say hi because she lives so far away but the fact is I know she is there.

I fall into these ruts every once in a while because of the lack of family in my life and all that I need is put upon Robs shoulders and when he goes off for months at a time....into his own world....I get into this dark place that is extremely difficult to escape. I feel lonely and not loved and I feel I really need someone to talk to and no one is there. I know this is not true...he is always there for me but I feel he doesn't truly understand the depth of this feeling that overcomes me. This is why I wrote that poem shadow of my mind....because I try so hard to get out but something holds me there and I can not put it into words. Alot of times I feel like running away to a place where no one knows where I am. This may not be very submissive of me....but it is how I feel.

Life is not all roses although I wish it were. Not everyone has someone...although I wish everyone did...not everyone understands this dark place although I wish they did.

All I can say is stay strong it will pass....as it always does.....but sometimes I wonder is there going to ever be a time when it wont and if so.....what do I do.

The thing is....one slips back sometimes because they can not help it...something triggers it off and believe me I do not have an answer to it.

To me its like being in a cacoon...you come out for a little while and then something scares you and you go back in. If you look deep inside it really is fear...it gets better as time passes and you recgnoize the problem but there is no true answer to it but the fact is.....I want to change this about me and understand that it is going to take time.

Honestly it would be nice if the boards stayed the way they were...but it is not our call =)

I hope things get better for you lil one <smiling sweetly>

your friend
*~dawn~*

Discussing your feeling can be one of those tricky things. I'm not good at it myself.

In the past, It seems by trying to discussing certain things - it fucks up everything in the process. It can come across wrong, be taken totally wrong - when all that needed was to discuss some things.

After so much I decided.. why bother?
Kinda like damned if you do and damned if you don't, yanno?

I'm taking my headache back to bed.

Hi Firebaby and folks-
   I think most folks feel isolated at one time or another. Allot of good music, literature, art etc. happens that way I think. I know there are periods I feel that way, even though I come into contact with tons of people in my daily life. I often think up reasons for it when I am in the period, but I just wonder if it is a way that most people feel at one time or another.
  Anyway, hope you feel better FB-W

i think i know what you're saying, Steel. i have this deep need to communicate and a seeming utter inability to do so effectively. i tend to be very precise in my language, both the words i use and how i use them, yet it seems i'm forever giving up because i don't seem to be making my point. i came to the conclusion a couple of years ago (and it literally struck me dumb for 24 hours, and had Master worried sick over me) that my idea of communication as an exchange of ideas is really just a farce. We think we're sharing our thoughts, visions, emotions, ideas with someone else; but what that other person receives is not necessarily what we intend to share. What they hear/see/experience is what they expect to hear/see/experience. And that's more a function of what they *think* you are, and what they are, than it is an actual reflection of you (the speaker). So, to get back to the core idea, yes, i usually end up giving up too.

Peace
firebaby

yup Firebaby

Thank you firebaby for initiating this discussion. It speaks very loudly to me at the moment.

Before I comment, I'd like to express appreciation for this "just subs" venue. I'm new to the lifestyle -- and I found this space so valuable while reading and researching and deciding to enter my first r/t experience.

I'm a musician/performer -- and it's very true that many artists create from that space within themselves. Creativity has also been associated with depression -- but that's a very different discussion . . .

At times, I think we all "go inside ourself." Personally, it allows me to hear my own voice, rather than all the external voices, which sometimes get too loud.

Recently, I slipped into that inner mental space: it was after my first r/t experiences. I was still with my Dom, at his place. Thankfully, He's very understanding and allowed the silence, knowing that I'd entered a new world and would need time to be reflective.

In the days since, however, he's been wonderfully attentive -- checking up on me to make certain I'm OK. Having come from the vanilla world into a bdsm relationship, I've noted one of the significant differences is the open communication. It's based on honesty -- not manipulative games. His questions are thorough and not only provide him with feedback, but also allow me to express my feelings. And when I'm not certain what I'm trying to express, he pursues. He's better than years of therapy!

Cyc

"Having come from the vanilla world into a bdsm relationship, I've noted one of the significant differences is the open communication. It's based on honesty -- not manipulative games"

At risk of starting the BDSM v Vanilla thing again - I would just like to say that I have seen enough small minded, dishonest manipulative games by people in BDSM relationships to realise that bullshit does not belong to vanilla alone! (And I have been lucky enough to be witness to many beautiful loving and strong vanilla relationships - honesty and openness does not belong just to BDSM.)

That being said, there is something gorgeous about being true to yourself and finding someone open and honest to be that with, isn't there?

cheers

Jules

Dear Friends,

Emotional Isolation is I suppose what I am feeling lately. M and I have our own issues to deal with when it comes to our relationship since we tried 24/7 but his lack of expertise in co parenting halted that and now that we see each other once a week I feel isolated or lack of any other term/words to describe it feeling "unloved". I find that going to M's once a week for time alone with him is wearing thin on me. I suppose I need things besides just sex and rawness from him. I need tenderness and all that romantic shit us subs dont ask for often enough. I know that my silence has him confused this week, i.e. brunch yesterday he took my quietness as pouting for the $340 worth of car repairs. He was kind enough (?) to pay for it in lieu of a treadmill for my birthday. I cant help but feel that after the comments he made about finding a used one for under a specific amount was more of a "I can get out of this birthday gift thing easier now" and his coldness when we have our saturday nights together, more of rough sex and actually I dont think he even kissed me last weekend.

I have tried to talk with him about it, suppose I have to keep trying - I am within inches of creating more space between us so I can think this through or is it just so I can avoid it?

hes very difficult to approach - very Male - i.e. thinks vs feels - maybe the D/s thing isn't what I need right now with all the issues going on in my life.

Work is hectic and a struggle for our company to stay afloat, money so tight my wallet screams - child support declined over the last several months - Sep 11th events, daughters high school friend died unexpectedly during a football game - birthdays and christmas expenses and college tution due every few months - ahhhhhh - the thing is , he doesn't see my "world" - he works at home, isolates himself and isn't very social - very different then how I like to be - in the meantime I have gained weight.

I also told him recently that I dont like the viagra and really dont want any part of it. He can watch porn and masturbate and get the same thing he creates when I am there and I could fuck a hard toy and it would feel the same -