Hi All,

Gosh, I know what I want to say, but I'm not really sure how to put it into words, so forgive me if this sounds a lil crazy... lord knows it does to me.

My Dom and I have recently discovered venturing into subspace. We've had a couple of experiences there. I remember the first one very well... the high I received and the feeling was breath taking unbelievable. I was in our own lil world. This last one however was completely different and its really close to driving me crazy trying to figure this one out. I don't remember it. I have a few (Very few) flashes of the scene but I can't put anything together. Here I feel I must make it very clear that no I'm not scared of being there when I'm with Him. I trust Him with everything I have, however, I do not like not remembering such a huge event as this is/was. He told me certain things that happened and I just shake my head in disbelief. I've read several things online about subspace, but I haven't really come across anything that may help lead me through this need I feel to figure this one out.

We have discussed this in great length since the moment happened and He has been GREAT helping me try to get thru this. He has jogged a few memories for me, but yet even now hearing Him talk about the events all the way up to me coming out of subspace is VERY hard to listen to.

Some may think I'm too concerned with what happened and should just take it that I'm perfectly fine with my Dom there. Again.. I feel/felt completely fine about the whole event taking place, but the whole memory loss thing gets me. I WANT to remember for a few reasons. One main one is obvious to me... just because its part of us and I need that memory of us. The second is...I think, and I may just be wrong here, that memory loss during something as big as this event is a problem. The third is.. part of me is wondering if there's a reason I can't remember. <sigh>

Anyway... I guess my question is, Is memory loss common in subspace? And maybe WHY I feel such a big need to find out why this has happened?

Thanks for any help, advice, opinions, or shared stories you may have.

~Chris

i know that's got to be scary, losing that time. i've never exactly lost my memory, but i've found that when i'm out there in subspace i'm so far detached from the things that go on around me that they really make little or no impact on my mind. When i go way out there during play, that's when Master winds it down. He knows i really am not terribly aware of my body any more, so basically any further activity is just wasted effort on his part. So for me, the time i'm spacing like that is mostly just spent being; i don't miss any of the play, that time is spent in aftercare (which he's very conscientious about, and why i'm so free to just revel in it).

An aside: The trick in our play is for Master to keep me out of that most intense space until he's ready for me to go. Otherwise, he'd be more frustrated than not, and that's not a good thing. :)

Back to the subject: i think the scariest thing about losing time (at least it would be for me) is the realization that you were completely vulnerable. Just about anything could have happened, and you might not have been able to do anything about it, even if it was a real threat to you. You were completely in someone else's hands, utterly dependent. That's a scary thing. But it's the absolute deepest expression of your trust, that you even allowed yourself to do that. And every time you go there and nothing bad happens to you while you're gone, it'll just deepen that trust, it'll reinforce to you that he is indeed worthy of that level of trust. And that's a marvelous thing. When you accept that, you'll find that the experience of just "being", with no other considerations, is unparalleled ecstasy. At any rate, i did. :)

Peace
firebaby

Howdy!
   Lots of endorphins kick in - natural narcotics- due to the physical stimulation/pain, and the act of giving up control itself is a bit similar to hypnosis-both can make one feel surreal and a bit cutoff from terra firma. Usually I like it very much, but there are times I have felt a bit of trouble switching gears back to regular life. However, if you really have blacked out and have no memory of what went on, I would be concerned. Two things that could relate is if 1)you were using any mind altering drugs-including prescription drugs- or alcohol. Even over the counter antihistamines can mess up memory some. Or 2) you had any experiences with abuse in your past life. Have you had any other periods of memory blacking out?
  If it only happened once and is not a regular thing, I would not lose too much sleep over it. But memory loss for a time can also signal problems-some types of seizures can cause memory loss, for example. I think you might want to put your question into the Hot Doc, especially if you have had memory problems like this at other times.
  Then again, do other folks have memory loss of time in subspace?
  Hope this helps-W

A non-drug related journey into subspace is a natural hypotic state very similar to what happens to a runner when they "hit the wall". Runners can black out completely but since they've trained their bodies to do nothing but run, the can continue for several yards and not even know it. Subspace is a mix of endorphins and a hypnotic state.

Nightheron

Hi Again....

Thanks firebaby and Winston for your input...

First to firebaby.. you said..
<<i think the scariest thing about losing time (at least it would be for me) is the realization that you were completely vulnerable. Just about anything could have happened, and you might not have been able to do anything about it, even if it was a real threat to you. You were completely in someone else's hands, utterly dependent. That's a scary thing.>>

That's one thing... I do/did not fear anything that MAY or MIGHT have happened. I just do not like the memory loss thing. <sigh> I don't want control at all... i do however want to remember WHAT i lose control over. Does that make sense?

<<But it's the absolute deepest expression of your trust, that you even allowed yourself to do that.>>

I've never thought bout NOT having trust in Him. That may surprise some folks. But we discovered this lifestyle together after a little over a year in a "vanilla type" relationship.. had no real clue of the lifestyle.. I think that makes a huge difference. Because we learned and grew together without having anything to compare it to. We have a communication like I've never known in my life. With that we've always discussed our likes and dislikes, turnons and turnoffs, fears, limits, (besides 3 hard limits, we dont really have any) and the choice of us not using a safeword. Heck.. the times ive been in subspace.. i dont think i woulda been able to use them anyway. <G> The point is.. the trust comes from us being able to discuss anything. Honestly and open.

to Winston... you said..
<<Two things that could relate is if 1)you were using any mind altering drugs-including prescription drugs- or alcohol. Even over the counter antihistamines can mess up memory some. Or 2) you had any experiences with abuse in your past life. Have you had any other periods of memory blacking out?>>

No drugs or alcohol, no meds and no abuse that I'm aware of. I do smoke and I've read where that can sometimes have an effect.

This particular morning, the experience had everything to do with humiliation. I get very embarrassed at the slightest thing that would cause the thought that someone may be "looking at me". Thing is.. <blush> i find it as a huge turn on when its me and Him. <G>

I don't have really any major memory losses in day to day life to speak of.
I just have this need to find out or try and pinpoint where it was i began going into subspace and at what point it was during that that i began to not remember the scene. Then again, at what point (what was said or done) to begin bringing me out of subspace. I think these keys will help out my Dom tremendously in controlling how far He feels He wants to push me. He also made a post under the Doms only section that gives His view of what happened and what He wants to gain from the experience.

We will be together again soon, and who knows.. maybe ill be able to give an update <G> But your right, this may have been just a one time thing that may not ever surface again.
I'm still curious though.. Do others have a memory loss while in subspace?

Thanks again for the input :)
~Chris

wow! so many definitions!
(shy)
to me, subspace is the validation of my having an analog mind - instead of a digital one.

there is a saying that, "for those who love, time is not." that defines subspace, to me.

memories of where your mind goes might depend on how willing it is to connect fully with a transcendental state. the experience defies the rest of one's daily existance....

i hit subspace very easily, like diving into a calm pool - and drugs or alcohol aren't ever a part of my experience (just a personal lifestyle choice, ok?) - and Master can take me there with a simple, quiet word, or even a gesture. it's like living without constraints, where memory and experience join with consciousness - and it has no boundaries whatsoever!

maybe, if the experience seems congruent to yours, that's why it may seem difficult to separate memories from it - because it would be a little like taking the sugar back out of a custard. does that make sense?

I tend to go into 'little girl' mode, something I have only recently come to realize is the first step for me, when I first start off into la-la land. I haven't had the experience of going really deep but a couple of times. I have been hypnotized before and it feels somewhat similiar to me...only I'm not as aware of my surroundings in 'subspace', as I am when I am hypnotized.

The first time it happened, it freaked me out lots. I was out of it...and then something (not sure what) sorta snapped me out of it. I first became aware of fingers behind my back...touching me...only they weren't someone elses fingers, they were mine. When I realized this, it really snapped me back. I became aware, at that moment, that I had been so disconnected from myself that I had lost the feeling of being connected to my limbs.
  
In some ways it has become easier for me to reach that 'little girl' space...which seems to come sometime before the next step or layer of subspace (it does come in layers for me)...but its harder to go deeper into the dream like trance I had those couple of times. I think I am afraid to go back down (don't know how else to explain it) because I didn't have as good an experience 'coming out' of it as I would've hoped. I was sorta left to fend for myself and I felt so lost, alone and abandoned. I remember I went into the bathroom and sobbed for 5 or 10 minutes because I really needed to be held, touched, cocooned, something more than what I got, which was not much more than a...go clean yourself up. Not completely their fault though, I wasn't aware that I would need that kind of attention afterwards. But I am now. I have stopped myself from having it happen again or going deeper since that happened.

I'm hoping to have it happen again one day, but I will be careful about who I let take me there and make sure that they will be there when I come back. I'm not certain this makes any sense to anyone but I certainly can appreciate that I'm not alone in the experience or losing oneself in that wonderful feeling.

Fix8ed

Fix8ed,

I like that term you used......cocooned.

Perfect way to describe it!

secret