Hello all...this may be a long post but I need to share so please bare with me.

I have only posted from time to time and added my bit here and there on this message board but have come to really appreciate the variety and the depth with which everyone is willing to share themselves. I found this site by accident, searching thru a lot of junk...this was one of the best active sites I found (thank you Dr. Brame for being here) and it has helped me tremendously over the last few months.

I met a Dom (who turned out to not be 'all that', at least not for me) back in December and he took me on a journey which really helped to open my life up to many possibilities. Although that relationship has faltered and was painful to have end the way it did, I am grateful for the experience because it was the first time that I had the mental connection and came to have an understanding of the potential a BDSM relationship could have, beyond just the kinky sex (which I had plenty of with various partners in my life).

There were red flags that went up with this man that I ignored, or justified. He is basically a good person, but not what I need and want and it took me awhile to accept that it may not be me, but him. I was far from perfect in the whole scheme of things but tried hard to please him, it just didn't work out with this man. That's life sometimes.

Anyway, I moved on and started looking for another. I had too, I have found that I need and want this in my life. That was one of the things I learned from the other man, I know I will never be satisfied until I have a dominant in my life that will complete me. I used to feel bad about this, that there was something terribly wrong with me for wanting and needing someone stronger emotionally and mentally in my life to lead me, guide me, support me.

I have come to recognize, first of all, I really don't give a damn anymore what I'm 'supposed' to do or not do (and it only took me 40 yrs to figure it out *g*). I know I can take care of myself, thank you very much, but thats not what I'm talking about, I hope others understand so that I don't have to go into all the boring details. I know more now what I need and want in my life than at any other time before and it makes me happy. That didn't quite come out right, but you get the drift.
 
Secondly, there are others out there that have the need and the want to be someone who leads, guides and supports another and that is the person I will have in my life.

This leads me to what is going on currently. I have met someone who is absolutely wonderful. He is an interesting man to say the least. He flys his own plane for the company he is part owner in, he has a ship captains license and is having a 70/90 (?..I can't
remember) ft. boat built. He rides a Harley Road King (my heart was gone at that one *g*), hes stable, responsible, kind, and romantic and unbelievably, he wants me.

At one point in his life (back in the 80's, before all the cyber) he had two subs living with him and they lived 24/7. The relationship with those two women lasted 7 yrs. Unfortunately it ended tragically with one of them getting killed by a drunk driver and the other getting lost in drugs (she had a lot of loses at one time). He then married a woman who was quite vanilla (he said he was burnt out and lost and thought he should try something different). That relationship lasted another 7 yrs, and then she stepped out on
him, among other things (lack of BDSM for one, which he foolishly thought he could live without) and it ended. Hes been divorced 3 yrs and has been looking for another Dom/sub relationship for the last 2 yrs.

We met 2 weeks ago and hit it off immediately. The reason I am sharing all of this with everyone is many fold. I have shared this story with only one other email listing I belong too, and they are wonderful people too. I have come to trust the people on this site and feel I'd like to start sharing a new journey with you, from the beginning. I came mid-stream to end-
stream with the last person I was involved and did not want to go into all the details but feel if I start from scratch here, I can get advice when needed and feed back without having to retrace my steps.

I am also scared to death and want/need to be able to share somewhere (beyond just with Him) what I am feeling and what is going on. I don't know why I know, but I suspect, this one is going to last a long time...at least I hope it does. I know it has not been that long but it clicks between us more than I've ever had with anyone in my life and its freaking me out.

I've heard my whole life, take it slow (where relationships go), don't get too involved before you know whats going on etc etc. I'm sick to death of that shit. I've just ignored my instincts more than I should've in the past...I'm going with them on this one. Besides, I've never been a patient person and
I've never had someone connect with me like this man. I've had pieces of it with other people and felt satisfied. I feel ecstatic right now and I may get burned but I willing to take the chance. I have too, I don't want to live my life afraid and then miss out on
something terrific because of fear. I am very afraid though.

Afraid I won't measure up down the road somehow, all the insecure crap comes up (its annoying and doesn't make me appear very appealing). Regardless, I've been up front with him about most all in my life,there are a couple of things I need to tell him but that will come.

We have not really played or done any BDSM. Certainly haven't delved into the DS part of the relationship. We've had sex and done a little spanking but nothing like I know it can and will be like. He said he was getting a feel for me and letting us get to know each other. He has decided that I need to have a long, full session...4 or 5 or 6 hours he said, whatever
it takes to shut my brain down. He said I'm thinking too much and need to stop my brain from wandering in directions it doesn't need to go...like the insecurity thing and not feeling worthy of him. Hes right, and has been right on with my reactions since I met him, also
another thing thats freaking me out, hes very tuned into me.

I'm really excited, apprehensive, fearful and thrilled at what may and will come. Since we've only known each other two weeks, he said he'd wait a bit for it to happen (he knows I'm wigging)...he told me to take the
weekend off in two weeks cuz I will sleep like a baby afterwards and won't be fit for working.

I know this is going to be incredible and going to change my life...even if nothing comes from this particular relationship, I know deep down this is something meaningful for me and is going to touch me deeply. I feel like I want to cry because I've been
waiting and wanting this for a very long time and now that its here, I'm afraid...I'm wondering if I'm up for it.

He wants to go 24/7 eventually and I'm doubting myself a lot. He said he'd go at a pace he thinks I can handle (so I don't run from him *g*) and I know I'm
moving fast in some ways (emotionally), yet I also know that I'm in the right place, at the right time, with the right person.

Thanks for letting me write about this and for listening. I know this was a long post, but I really needed to share with others who have been there and are there. I'll keep you abreast of what is happening and will need feedback from time to time. If anyone has any advice (besides go slow *g*, I know that one already) it would be greatly appreciated.

Fix8ed

suggestions?

dance class, and a lot of aerobics at the gym.
yoga, absolutely.

i'm happy and excited for you! i know i sound a little frivilous, but a girl would always want to start off on the best possible stance, yes?

you have the heart and the mind to know what to do, and the life-experience ready to bloom beautifully.

my love and very best wishes go out to you!

trisha

the only thing I can say is you have already followed common sense now follow your heart.....

Kate ..............

i could not have said it better, and i most hardily agree.

Follow your heart ........... that is where your peace and happiness lie

Thank you to all who responded.

I appreciate whatever input I can get and sharing with others what is happening in my life is wonderful. Its nice to know others are listening and can perhaps give advice or lend support.
 
Thank you,
Fix8ed