February 25, 2000

Who Wants to Marry a Sadomasochist?

From all the media buzz, you'd think Bill Clinton had gotten his poor lonely self another blowjob, this time from a male intern who brought his own cigar. Now THAT would be entertainment.

But, no, it's only another national hysteria triggered by another trivial event. Fueled by the naked cynicism of ratings wars, which elevate every Punch and Judy show to Shakespearian heights, the scandal over "Who Wants to Marry A Multi- Millionaire" has turned into a moral play, with critics straining at the chance to sermonize. "She married a stranger! This is prostitution!" one indignant spokesperson for a right-wing group asserted during a CNN segment.

I couldn't help but agree. Selling yourself for money meets the dictionary definition of prostitution. Prostitution is illegal. That's why I think we should decide, here and now, to enforce our laws. We can start with a letter campaign to Donald Trump. I'm working on a draft, and here's how it starts:

Dear The Donald: Please stop dating. You are setting a horrible example for the youth of America. I realize it's unfair to doom you to bachelorhood, but you are just too fucking rich to marry. No woman could possibly ever see beyond your wealth to the real you. This, of course, may be to your advantage.

We won't stop at The Donald. There are Gettys and Mellons and Kennedys to consider, not to mention rafts of sport stars and Hollywood celebrities. In fact, if we target every man and woman in this country whose fortunes arouse others, I think we can wipe out personal wealth in our lifetime.

We should also organize a rally and descend on the love chapels of Las Vegas. Though booze probably accounts for more Las Vegas marriages than bucks, we can't allow people to marry strangers anymore. Strategically, we'll take inspiration from anti-abortion activists. While we're forming human walls to prevent people from getting married and thus helping them to make the right moral choice, let's plaster flyers on passing cars warning of the dangers of Strange Love, and tacitly encourage the nuts among us to pop a few of those immoral Justices of the Peace who, clearly, are the devil's spawn, advancing a liberal agenda that will destroy American ideals.

After that, there's only one task left. We need to line up all the mothers who've ever told their daughters that "it's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man" and shoot them. It's the mothers of America who really pose the greatest threat to decency. They are the ones who have filled our collective heads with this nonsense about the importance of economic stability and the pleasures of having big piles of money.

Fortunately, my own mother would be exempt. She was so out-of- step with American immorality, she encouraged me to marry for love. And now I'm a sadomasochist poet who married a sadomasochist archaeologist for love. We're poor, we're perverted, we're polyamorous, but we're happy! And moral, too!

Perhaps one day we will be able to turn on the TV and see "Who Wants to Marry A Nice Guy with a Big Heart" or "Who Wants to Marry an Auto Mechanic." You know: real, ordinary people with good values. Then maybe the day won't be far off when networks compete with shows such as "Who Wants to Marry A Foot Fetishist" and "Who Wants to Marry a Sadomasochist." And finally, sweet God, American morality will be exactly where it should. Focused on the genuine values of common interests, shared realities, and sincere caring and interest in the other person.

Are you right-wingers behind me?

WHAT'S NEW on February 25, 2000

Check out the new free excerpt from COME HITHER just added to the site. A Glossary of Scene Slang is a comprehensive dictionary of buzz-words, acronyms, and common expressions in the BDSM/fetish/leather communities.

Read a review of COME HITHER in the Toronto Sun: Kinky Sex and the Single Girl

ANNOUNCING THE GRAND OPENING OF W.D.BRAME, an adult toy store specializing in unique designs to tease, torment and delight.

BIBLIOPHILIA BOOKS just got bigger, with new kinky books for your browsing.

Chat with me live and in pixels
every Monday at 10 pm (est) in the Sexuality room at THRIVE on the Web

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February 21, 2000

Vice is Nice

Often when I come to the end of an intense period of work, I compulsively indulge in my most shameful vice: I read tabloids and watch talk show tv.

Just as I like to imagine that Julia Child occasionally ducks into a McDonald's to commit culinary hari-kiri with a Big greasy Mac or that bean-sprout-slim health gurus secretly suck on cigarettes and guzzle soda-pop, so too must I get off my high literary hobbyhorse now and again to squander my gray matter on yellow journalism. It's the last of my guilty pleasures.

Yesterday, my first real day off in nearly a month, I surfed the talk shows with a vapid vengeance. On one channel, Jerry Springer sprang a lady of advanced years who, it turns out, likes to screw her grandson. While another grandson--not so favored--shrieked in horror from the sidelines, the apple of granny's eye gave her erotic antics two thumbs up (so to speak), and smugly asserted, "She knows what to do in bed!" I didn't stick around for Mr. Springer's homily but I'm sure it was inspirational.

Incest seemed to be the vice du jour. Montel Williams featured a man and woman nervously awaiting the results of a paternity test. It was a big ho-hum to learn that the man's wife was best friends with this woman. I don't think you can get on a talk show unless you've fornicated with your partner's best friend or blood relative.

Anyway, not only had this twosome allegedly spawned a scion, but pending another DNA test, they might be half-brother and sister, sharing the same biological father. You could almost see the family resemblance in their flapping tongues. Their cuckolded spouses added a further touch of squalor to the tableau. The woman's husband, newly released from jail, looked like he'd missed a few too many conjugal visits. The man's wife (whose two children had also been tested to prove that she wasn't the cheatin' lyin' floozy her husband made her out to be) felt a certain natural curiosity about the test results too.

Did you follow all that? Was it as good for you as it was for me? Care for a cigarette?

Members of this dysfunctional unit wept, shrieked, and grimaced in pain when the results came back--as we all knew they would come back--positive. The possible brother/sister combo were visibly shaken: both had been so drunk when they had sex that neither could recall having it. As Montel loudly berated them for their perfidy, I wondered how these sinners would return to their communities. It was easy to imagine violent consequences, a la the murder of Jenny Jones Show guest who revealed a same-sex crush. Put another way, I don't think the incestuous half-brother will be too popular at the next family barbecue.

Now, before there were DNA tests, and talk shows to fund them freely for the sake of shock value, these same people would have carried their secrets to the grave. No one--including the drunken cavorters themselves--would know they had done something so stupid. No one could prove it. No one could prove they had the same father either. The lies would have stuck. Ignorance and hypocrisy would have prevailed. Depraved family secrets would have remained secret. The woman's husband would have raised the child as his own; the man's wife would have stayed married to him. Life would have gone on as it has in millions of families around the world, and no one would be the wiser.

But lest you be fooled by the spectacle on tv, or believe that these bizarre family dramas are uniquely the domain of hillbillies, trailer trash, and gangstas, remember that these are just the people who are too poor to pay for their own DNA tests. They are the foolish few so dazzled by a chance at tv celebrity they will not only air their dirty laundry, but point out the skid marks too. Fact is, for every family willing to humiliate themselves on national tv, tens of thousands more families either leave such questions unanswered or quietly visit their doctors for completely confidential answers.

And that's why I've developed a fetish for tabloids. They're rude, crude, vulgar, and occasionally lewd: they shine a refreshingly merciless light on the basic amorality of life. Know-nothing reactionaries like Dr. Laura may claim it's kinky and queer people who are upsetting the moral apple-cart. Tabloids show us that the apple-cart is bursting with worms.

WHAT'S NEW on February 21, 2000

ANNOUNCING THE GRAND OPENING OF W.D.BRAME, an adult toy store specializing in unique designs to tease, torment and delight.

BIBLIOPHILIA BOOKS
just got bigger, with new kinky books for your browsing.

Chat with me live and in pixels
every Monday at 10 pm (est) in the Sexuality room And THRIVE in the Oxygen

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February 7, 2000

Americans for the Truth
About Americans Who Lie
About the Truth About Sex

I'm thinking of starting an organization. I'll call it "Americans for the Truth About Americans Who Lie About the Truth About Sex."

I got the idea after reading news reports and seeing tv coverage of a group that calls itself "Americans for The Truth About Homosexuality." This group was presented by mainstream media as a legitimate source for the dissemination of important opinions on gay sex. The important opinion in this case was the group's bold declaration that the Leather Leadership Conference--a national event for BDSM/fetish activists--was proof that gay sex leads to sadomasochism and is inextricably linked with it because one type of depravity leads to another.

Never mind that LLC is a pansexual event, heavily attended by heterosexuals. Never mind that its organizing committees are made up of significant numbers of heterosexuals. And forget about the fact that there is no evidence whatever to prove that gays are any more likely to be into "kink" than hets are. This group has made its unfounded assertions, offered up lies and total fabrications, and the media has hopped on it uncritically. They report it as news when, in fact, it's really only a political platform which conveniently found a target: in this case, the Leather community.

Obviously, no one in media bothered to check whether there was anything to the claims by this group. Verifying facts has apparently become a waste of time to big media outlets. No news organization contacted LLC for a response; no one bothered to ask LLC whether it's a gay event (which it is not). Someone could have searched the Web and found proof that the majority of Websites for BDSMers are heterosexual. They might even have found the BDSM/fetish study I did on this site, which shows that heterosexuals are, by far, the single biggest group within our communities.

Instead, media cooperated with a group whose agenda is to wipe out homosexuality, and who advanced a ludicrous theory to get their name in the newspapers.

It's time Americans sincerely interested in the truth about homosexuality, bisexuality, swinging, transgenderism, BDSM, fetishism, and other acceptable adult sexual behaviors got together. Maybe we could find out why the truth about us doesn't make news when the lies about us do.

WHAT'S NEW on February 14, 2000

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

BIBLIOPHILIA BOOKS, our shopping haven for literate kinksters, just got bigger.
Check out the new titles, selected with your interests in mind.

TALK TO ME ON THE WEB EVERY MONDAY @10 pm (est)
DIFFERENT LOVING CHAT ON THRIVE.
Log in is easy, free and anonymous. Look for us in the Sexuality room.

For more information about the weekly chats, read the BDSM chat transcripts on this site.

Don't forget to shop Plush

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January 24, 2000

The Littlest Political Prisoner

I don't know how I can manage to muster any moral outrage at this point, considering the spew of hypocrisy that has become the status quo among certain legislators. Still, somehow, the news that Trent Lott is working quickly to get Elian Gonzalez naturalized, so that the issue of the child's return to Cuba will be one of "choice" rather than necessity, really galls me.

Oh, where are those sacred family values when we need them? Once again the party which claims to know everything about family values flunks the common decency test.

I am missing something here, I know. I am missing the anti- Castro passion that has turned an already tragic situation into a political nightmare. I am missing the blind hatred of Communism that leads some Americans to believe that this is a battle between good (us) and evil (Cuba).

What I'm finding, instead, is that a confused little boy who just lost his mother is now facing a life in which he is exiled from his father and grandparents, with an assist from the champions of family values.

I understand the profound emotions of the immigrants in Miami. My family came here after the second World War and believe, absolutely, that, for all its flaws, America is indeed the promised land, the greatest nation on earth. And though my personal choices make me something of an outsider in my own country, I too love this nation.

That said, what the hell does this have to do with Elian Gonzalez? Is he better off here than in Cuba? Frankly, I don't know. Do you? I mean, Latinos don't exactly have a picnic in this country. They face discrimination in the workplace, in the courts, in the supermarket. But let's assume that all the Latinos who reach these shores are happy with their decision. An unlikely proposition, but let's assume it anyway. Does their satisfaction with their choices make it right to force the choice on another family? Does an abiding hatred of Fidel Castro justify holding an innocent child as a political prisoner? A well-fed, pampered prisoner, perhaps, but a prisoner nonetheless. Does the child enjoy the media glare? Does he even understand what's going on? And how will he feel about this all as he grows up fatherless?

I have a modest proposal for Sen. Lott. Instead of working so valiantly to maintain a legal hold over this child, why not push through a little paperwork on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of Mexicans and other illegal immigrants who daily fear for their safety and live in poverty because of our uneven immigration laws? If we really want to rescue Cubans from Castro, why not establish an open door policy or create a fleet that rescues the boatloads of emigres before they drown? In fact, why don't we just invade Cuba and invite everyone there to move here?

Free Elian Gonzalez. For the sake of family values.

WHAT'S NEW on January 24, 2000

The Results Are In!
Find out what 7000 kinky people had to say in the DEMOGRAPHIC BDSM/FETISH STUDY

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January 17, 2000

Happy Birthday, Dr. King

Elvis fans may disagree, but to my mind, the great civil rights activist is the true king of 20th Century America. Has there been a more compassionate man in our generation's history? I don't think so. God bless you, Dr. King.

WHAT'S NEW on January 17, 2000

My new book, for one! Click the cover for info.

TO CATCH A DOM is the brand spanking new article by bob harris in Perspectives of a Male Submissive

LIVE CHAT ON AOL: Join us on MONDAY, JANUARY 17, 2000, at 10 pm (est).

Find out what 7000 kinky people had to say in the Demographic BDSM/Fetish Study

THERMOPYLAE presents two new interviews. Visit WRITERS TALK ABOUT 2000 for words of wisdom from novelist Ernest Gaines and poet Wyatt Prunty.

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December 15, 1999

SOLSTICE SIESTA

BLACKLIST OR WITCH-HUNT?

Thanks to all the folks who turned out for our chat, "Dangerous Dominants: Are Blacklists the Answer?" on THRIVE's website. (For background on this, see the December 4th column.)

Unfortunately, the software at Thrive wouldn't allow me to make a transcript of the very lively discussion. So, with apologies, here is a very quick summary of events for those who were unable to attend.

We drew a thoughtful and articulate group of dominants and submissives of both sexes. Clearly, many of them had given the issue a lot of thought, and came prepared to speak. A number of regulars were there, but we also were happy to welcome many first-time visitors, as well as an unexpected celebrity visitor, Molly Devon, co-author of SCREW THE ROSES, SEND ME THE THORNS.

It was wonderfully nice to have a passionate discussion without any acrimony or bad attitudes. Everyone was respectful and very tolerant. The more we talked, the more we realized we shared common anxieties about the pitfalls and perils of creating blacklists. By the end, we reached consensus that, as a rule, blacklists are potentially dangerous weapons which do more harm than good. They can, for example, be used to target or defame people who are less popular than others; they can be used in personal or political vendettas; and, in a "he said/she said" situation, there was concern that people were more likely to believe a submissive than a dom/me (even if s/he was innocent). There was also concern about individuals appointing themselves their brothers' and sisters' judges in matters of SM.

Where we could not reach consensus--or even come up with solid ideas--was on the issue of how (and even whether) the Community (as a whole) should take action against "dangerous tops," and whether we do have a responsibility to police ourselves and protect submissives.

This chat also yielded another great idea: in an informal vote, folks were in favor of making all the chats on the Web (as opposed to the ones on AOL's system) theme-oriented. So, beginning in January, the Web chats will spotlight issues, and will periodically feature guest speakers--mainly activists and authors. Those of you who go back with me to the late 1980s on Compuserve, in Variations II (I know a few of you are reading!), will remember our "Spotlight on D&S" chats, which were all issue- oriented. It'll be interesting to see how a revival of that format works in 2000!

As soon as I've put together a schedule for those chats, I'll let you know on this page.

Chats On Hiatus Until 2000

Please be advised that we won't be meeting again until the first Monday in January--and, when we do, it'll be on the Web again. (I'll get a reminder up here in advance.)

Dr. Brame on Hiatus Too

For the next few weeks, this site will be fairly quiet. I will do an occasional update here and there, but need to focus on some off-line projects.

So I bid you the very happiest of holidays. As you spread cheer and show others your generosity, don't forget to be kind to yourself. Make every pleasure count and rejoice at being alive at the turn of the millennium. Wishing you and yours spectacular celebrations.....

December 4, 1999

BLACKLIST...or WITCH- HUNT?

I'm hosting a special conference on the Web this Monday, December 6th. The topic is Dangerous Dominants: Are Blacklists the Answer?. Guest co-host: Will Brame. CLICK HERE (on Monday at 10).

Tuesday, December 7, 9 pm to 10 pm (et): Tune in to BOB BERKOWITZ's talk show on eYada.com and you'll hear my dulcet tones on Web-radio. Tonight's topic: AGEPLAY. Look for Bob Berkowitz on the "Find a Show" menu to get there.

November 15, 1999

THE END IS HERE

BDSM/Fetish Survey

Today is the official deadline of the BDSM/fetish demographics survey. If you were hoping to participate in the study, sorry, but the form is now disabled.

However, as promised, I am keeping the survey pages as a permanent feature on this site. If you bookmarked the Survey, you will be able to return for periodic updates, news, and ultimately for the final results and my analyses of the data. All this stuff will be offered free as a service to the Community, and as way of thanking the thousands of people who have helped make the survey a success.

I have just reorganized the survey pages. If you would like to read the most current update (posted today) on the survey's status, please visit About the BDSM/Fetish Survey. My commentary includes the number of people who submitted forms, and discusses what comes next in the study process, when I hope to begin publishing results, the reaction the survey is receiving from my graduate school, and other such details.

To help people who plan to do BDSM surveys of their own in the future, I will continue to make available the questionnaire form, complete with instructions and accompanying FAQ. These documents will also be helpful to visitors when I publish final results, because you will be able to see the original research instruments as they appeared on the Web (as opposed to print form).

SUPPORT THIS SITE GO PLUSH

After keeping this site as non-commercial as possible since its launch in 1996, we finally need to find some new ways of raising money to keep it free for all visitors. In coming weeks and months, we will be offering a variety of products with our readers in mind. The first new feature, is PLUSH. A shopping emporium for hedonists, PLUSH will link you to gourmet goodies, fine leather, holiday gifts, flowers, fine wines, exotic coffees, cashmere sweaters, electronics, and much more. Just clink one of the banner links in the storefronts, and PLUSH will transport you to merchandise of every kind. We collect a small percent of every purchase you make through PLUSH and all funds raised will go towards supporting this site.

WHAT'S NEW on November 15

My brand spanking new book, COME HITHER: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex (US $13) is available for pre-order at Amazon.Com. You can get a sneak preview of Come Hither on this site.

TO SIR OR NOT TO SIR: that is the question is boy bob harris's excellent new article in Perspectives of a Male Submissive. MUST READING for those seeking advice on Scene etiquette.

November 5, 1999

THE BOOK, THE BDSM SURVEY,
AND BISCUITS FOR BOBO

Beat the Crowd!

Be the first one on your block to own a copy of my new book, COME HITHER: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex available NOW for pre-order from Amazon.Com (US $13)

Meanwhile, you can get a sneak preview of the cover art and table of contents right here..

SURVEY NEWS

Only TWO DAYS left for you to be counted in the BDSM/fetish demographics survey! On November 15th, the data-gathering ends and the dreaded data-entering begins. If you're eligible to participate and haven't yet filled out a form, please consider doing so SOON! Meanwhile, my sincerest thanks to the many thousands of you who have submitted complete survey forms.

Although I can't predict how many last-minute forms will come in, and while I expect to trash a few hundred, it's looking like we can count on at least 7000, and possibly as many as 7500+ reliable surveys. The attrition will largely be explained by human error (such as folks hitting the "reset" form before submitting). Other problems that came up were multiple submissions of the same form (whether accidental or deliberate I'll never know); incomplete forms; and forms with conflicting data.

Until now, I've just been reading and storing surveys. Beginning next week, we will start entering the data into a awesome database that THRVPashun--my brilliant AOL chat co-host---designed for the study. So it's too early to release preliminary data or even to speculate on trends.

BUT......(pant, pant!)

That said, I feel fairly confident that the study will show that hardly any of us have sought out psychological counseling for BDSM/fetish issues. It probably doesn't come as a big surprise to a lot of you and maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal, either. But here's my thinking: almost all of the serious studies done about us have been done by clinicians who developed all their data and theories based on clinical drift (i.e., the people who show up at their offices, seeking help). So if the kinky people who seek psychological help are only a tiny percentage of the overall population--as I hope this study will demonstrate--it means that studies of clinical drift are biased and irrelevant. Assuming the final data back me up, I will argue that judging an entire sexual behavior by the single-digit percentage of people who are experiencing emotional problems because of that behavior is COMPLETELY UNSCIENTIFIC if not actually BOGUS.

Now I just hope the numbers don't suddenly change on me or that the database shows me I've been looking at the raw data through rose-colored glasses. (For, as we all know, the road to obscurity is paved by hubris.) We'll see.

SUPPORT THIS SITE! GO PLUSH

After keeping this site as non-commercial as possible since its launch in 1996, we finally need to find some new ways of raising money to keep it free for all visitors. In coming weeks and months, we will be offering a variety of products with our readers in mind. The first new feature, is PLUSH. A shopping emporium for hedonists, PLUSH will link you to gourmet goodies, fine leather, holiday gifts, flowers, fine wines, exotic coffees, cashmere sweaters, electronics, and much more. Just clink one of the banner links in the storefronts, and PLUSH will transport you to merchandise of every kind. We collect a small percent of every purchase you make through PLUSH and all funds raised will go towards supporting this site.

Even our dog hopes you will consider using PLUSH next time you shop the Web.!

WHAT'S NEW updated November 13, 1999

TO SIR OR NOT TO SIR: that is the question is boy bob harris's excellent new article in Perspectives of a Male Submissive. MUST READING for those seeking advice on Scene etiquette.