WHEN DOES SM BECOME ABUSE?
One of the most controversial topics among BDSMers is
where to place the dividing line between an SM relationship
and an abusive one. There is lots of wrangling over "the true
meaning of consent," lots of high-flying theories about
"consensual non-consent" and "non-consensual consent" and
other such fine points which make most heads spin.
Where do you draw the line, either in your own relationship
or in assessing the relationship of a friend? If the sub
is unhappy, does that mean he or she is abused? If a top
demands something that the sub doesn't want to do (for whatever
reason), is that abuse? Or do people throw the word abuse
around too lightly? Does a dominant
have to repeatedly exceed a sub's limits or is
it something more subtle? What
do you say to people who reject your criticism of a scene that
you think is abusive by telling you, "they just like their SM
heavier than you--by criticizing them, you're just bringing
your vanilla values into this," and other such challenges?
Also,
whether you're dom or sub, have you ever had to leave a
relationship
because you feared it was becoming (or had already become)
abusive?
(Doms get abused too, folks!)
Feel free to answer any one (or all!) of the questions above.
This is the hardest
question you've asked but I have a story to
tell that may be relevant.
First I want to say that
to me the difference between sm and abuse really is the
intention behind what the dominant is doing. I think thats
the dividing
line. Is the dominant doing something to you
because he wants to give you both
pleasure or is he doing it because he wants to
see you upset or hurt or really frightened? I know
it's a hard line to see especially when you're new to this.
I have been a sub for 20 yrs. I
once had a dom who was very sadistic. He turned me on
incredibly. I thought I met the Master of my dreams. At the
same
time it confused me terribly because I felt unhappy a lot
of the time. When I tried to tell him I was upset he
either stopped communicating with me or he made me
feel like the problem was that I wasn't really submissive
enough. I think his logic was that if I was a
"true submissive," then anything he said and did was okay, even
if
it wasn't okay for ME. It was only
later when I finally realized the relationship for me had turned
into 90% misery and only 10% happiness that I finally got up my
nerve to leave him. By then I felt so beaten down I really half
believed that I couldn't live without him and that leaving him
was sort of like jumping into a river, hoping I wouldn't
drown.Well I didn't drown. It was only a afew months after I
left him that I started feeling ALIVE again. I hadn't even
realized how depressed I'd been with him because I was so much
under his influence. I think in my own mind I wanted a dominant
so badly I was willing to put up with anything, and also that
because I am subbie/masochistic, I did get a kind of sick thrill
out of feeling used and abused. I definitely do accept some of
the blame for the relationship because even after I left him I
still lusted after him and secretly wished he'd kidnap me back.
pretty sick, I know, but I'm being totally honest.It took me a
lot of thinking and all my nerve to do what I had to do. I don't
know if any other subbies out there ever had this
experience where you leave your Master even though you still love
him
but because you have lost all your trust in him. For me,
leaving was just "the lesser of two evils."
Reading this website
has helped me because it confirms a lot of what I felt. It made
me really evaluate whether our relaitonship was "loving" ...it
WAS NOT,
I see that now, though at the time we both said we were in love).
This happened eight years ago. I don't
know if I'll ever totally get over it but I'm definitely happier
now. I haven't found another dom but I don't regret what I did
(at
least not on my good days). Nowadays, I would never
judge what gets other people off, whether it's heavy or risky, I
think that's THEIR business and nobody els'es. The important
thing is: what
is the INTENTION? I think if the Master and the slave both
get love and pleasure out of it, even if it looks radical
to others, then it isn't abuse. While if the sub can't feel
that the dom has her needs and her humanity always in
his mind as a priority, then even if all they do is use
silk scarves in bed I'd call it abuse. So, to conclude, it's all
about
intention. If my dom had listened to me and really cared
about finding ways for us to both
be happy, I know I'd be with him today.
Flower of Isis
USA - Sunday, June 21, 1998 at 17:48:22 (EDT)
Dear Gloria, In answer to your question, " When does SM become
Abuse?
In my opinon, as long as its agreed upon by consenting adults I
don't
believe it becomes abuse. For instance a scene should be
discussed before it takes place as to what the limits of
the Dom & sub are. Pushing the limits is fine as long
as the parties agree. There must be respect
& trust in every relationship for this to work.
In a long term relationship such as mine, my wife & i
still discuss certain aspects of our scene. For instance, we
will discuss certain things she would like
me to do, as well as when I ask her certain things I
would like her to do to me. If this is agreeable to
both of us we bring it into our scene. If its
agreeable to both it doesn't become abuse.
In answer to the other question, I am a
sub, & have been into this SM relationship with my wife now
for over 20 years, she does an excellent job
dominating me but is never abusive.
After 20 years she knows what I desire, & on the same token
I know what's expected of me. I never had a thought on
leaving this relationship, our relationship
is one of love, trust, respect, communication. Plus I worship
her when I'm a sub or a husband.
One other thing, if two consenting adults are into a scene
that you feel uncomfortable with, remember it's their
scene, that's what their into. Maybe something you do
seems strange to them, respect each others scenes, it's their
need
to act out their way.
sex slave (SSB77)
NY USA - Sunday, June 21, 1998 at 07:38:41 (EDT)
This is such a difficult question. What seems like abuse to
some is just intense SM for someone else. I think most people's
perception of abuse in an SM context is like pornography. "I
can't define it but I know it when I see it." I did leave a
relationship because I FELT at the time I was being abused and
taken advantage of. This happend nearly 20 yrs ago and had a
profound effect on me for many years. I still haven't forgotten
it. I was in a 3 year D/s relationship and it had the typical
frustrations of a long distance relationship. We did, however,
get together probably once a month. But we exchanged letters
very frequently as well as some phone calls. Like many subs.. I
guess I thought she should be able to read my mind and tell what
my needs were. Obviously she could not and thefore I felt
"unfulfilled". Summoning all my courage I wrote her a letter
telling her that while I enjoyed our relationship I needed more.
I felt this very intense need to experience a lot of very
restrictive bondage and that this need was a part of me which
wasn't being taken care of. She sent me a brief letter telling
me to come for a visit. There was no mention of my letter at
all. Upon arrival she handcuffed me to a chair which was in her
bedroom (wrists behind the back of chair) and left me to go out
with a female friend. I had no idea when she would return. A
few hours later she and the friend returned... stayed for a few
minutes... and left again. I had no idea how long she would be.
I felt she was trying to teach me a lesson.. that I should not
complain. I spied a key to the handcuffs on the bed and worked
my way over there and freed myself. I left her a note saying
goodbye and left. I was angry and hurt. I never went back. Was
this abuse? Who knows.
tinkerbell (tnkrbell77@aol.com)
atlanta, Ga usa - Thursday, June 18, 1998 at 11:22:11 (EDT)
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