What Newcomers Should Know

Preventing abuse within BDSM relationships…

What is abusive bdsm?

Abusive behaviors can occur between anyone. It can happen between heterosexuals, lesbians, feminists, two men (whether gay or straight), two co-workers, between a priest and a child – it can happen to anyone. Abuse is often the result of misdirected or inappropriate emotion or sexual energy. Domestic violence is when abuse occurs in relationships between two or more intimates. Domestic violence is about non-consensual dominance and control and may come in many forms: actual physical abuse, threats of physical abuse, emotional abuse, threatening telephone calls, disturbances at a place of employment, abuse of resources or responsibilities, stalking and many others.

In bdsm relationships, the lines between what is abuse and what is not are often confusing since there is very little education or support in mainstream society. Outsiders tend to label all of our activities and practices as insane, violent or abusive no matter how highly skilled we become at them or how long we have mentored or studied our techniques or craft.

Abusive bdsm is when one person harms or misuses another, with the intent to control in non-consensual ways. This misuse of power harms the well-being of the victim. Many people believe it can only happen to submissives or novices. That is untrue. Abuse can and does happen to anyone.

How can I prevent abuse?

There are three basic principles that comprise what many believe to be a healthy bdsm relationship and are often used to help prevent abuse. They are: that the relationship adheres and subscribes to safety practices, that each participant is considered sane and that the activities and the relationship dynamics/parameters are consented to. These are also known as "Safe, Sane & Consensual."

Many newcomers to the bdsm community are overwhelmed with the equipment, the differences in language and/or all the attention they may receive. They may feel that what they have been practicing or fantasizing about in private has now become very complicated. Many newcomers will make unsafe choices simply because they do not know how to care for themselves or do not fully understand the implications of their choices. Many experience players will not engage with newcomers because it puts them at risk until the newcomers learn about what is available and appropriate for them. Knowledge "of" toys and bdsm practices is not the same thing as experience "with" them.

What are some things I can do to be safe?

• establish and use "safewords" as a way to communicate that you need to slow down or stop
• talk about what you want, avoid trying things you are unsure of until you learn more about them, attend workshops, ask questions, etc.
• don't let anyone force, coerce, manipulate, bribe or seduce you into things that you will regret or that may compromise your physical safety, financial security, legal rights, etc. such as sex with children, stealing, harming someone else, disclosing your social security #, etc.
• do not meet anyone alone without knowing how to take safety precautions first
• find an advisor or mentor so that you can learn from them and find your footing within the community, check references on potential partners/playmates, etc.
• do not allow someone to give you drugs, alcohol or other substances to elicit or affect your consent
• learn about safer sex practices and make them your habit rather than your exception
• go slow; learn how to do short simple scenes or contracts before diving into something more extensive and/or long-term
• schedule check-ins after each scene and at periodic intervals during contracts; discuss what worked and what didn't honestly
• trust your instincts! - they may be all you have

  If you think you may be in an abusive bdsm relationship:

  You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a bdsm sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

  Call: 1-800-799-SAFE
  1-800-787-3224 TTY

  Or email: NLAIDVProject@aol.com

  Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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Copyright © 1996 - 2001
Dr. Gloria Glickstein Brame
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