When you realized that there was not only a name for your passions and desires but also groups of people who where active in sharing their knowledge and experience ....... what did you do ?

Did the timing in learning "what this was" parallel your discovery of your sexual attitudes?

And last ...... How long did it take before you actually acted on you thoughts and desires and what form did that action take.

I sure am nosy now aren't I <g>

I guess that I just KNOW there is a wealth of experiences out there that would make it some much easier for the New Doms/subs ...... if only they could actually sort of "see themselves.

I hope that I did not offend or upset anyone with my questions.

Thank you

Storm

From: Thorn4MyRose

Well, storm, you certainly ask excellent questions. This is a good topic because the many experiences noted in reply to your questions will no doubt be very unique...and perhaps some can learn from them.

<< When you realized that there was not only a name for your passions and desires but also groups of people who where active in sharing their knowledge and experience ....... what did you do ? >>

Frankly, I lucked out in that regard. My first exposure to the Scene happened purely by accident. I ended up visiting an S&M club while on a trip and it all just sort of clicked for me. By virtue of talking to some of the people and watching the activities there during that visit, it gave me tangible things to look further into, which I began doing almost immediately.

<< Did the timing in learning "what this was" parallel your discovery of your sexual attitudes? >>

Not at all. It certainly gave me new directions to explore, but my 'attitudes' (personality based) were already set and I was very much aware of them. The 'timing' simply sparked more imagination regarding what to do with my attitudes.

<< And last ...... How long did it take before you actually acted on you thoughts and desires and what form did that action take. >>

I guess that depends on how 'actually acted' is defined. The degree of active research was immediate. Those actions led to the first group I became involved in, but that was about a year later. And that action led to developing my own philosophies and activity techniques, but that happened over about another two year period. Literally, I didn't even pick up a whip until I had been involved in the BDSM Scene for about four or five years. Sure, some relationships during that time incorporated elements of D&S (or didn't work out because the balance wasn't there), but such is the nature of exploration. :-)

The thing I try to get across to people in these sorts of topics, though, is that it's a JOURNEY...NOT a destination. There were many things at the outset that I believed would capture my interest, and that I tried, but didn't come close to meeting my expectations. No problem...I discarded those. Conversely, there were things early on that I enjoyed immensely but, over time, I lost interest in because they just became less enjoyable (for a variety of reasons). But the thing is, the way I incorporate BDSM into the way I live my life today is just as exciting and as fulfilling as it was the very first time I 'put a name to it'.

And I cannot imagine a time to come in my journey where that won't be the case. ;-)

Be safe,
T.

Thorn,

May I ask a couple of questions?

First, I'm interested in your perceptions the first time you visited an SM club. Did you feel aroused by what you saw, or was it more of an intellectual revelation?

Myself, I experienced a chaos of feelings, many contradictory. Everything from exhilaration (at seeing so many people who were as perverse as me...or so it seemed at the time, before I realized just how perverse I really am! <g>)....to shock (I wasn't prepared for some of the intense scenes I witnessed that night)...to hilarity (at the incredible strangeness of some of the fantasies)....to arousal (no explanation necessary <g>)....to anxiety (did I really belong here?)...to a nascent sense of self-empowerment that made me feel freer than I'd ever felt in my life. It was the moment, I think, when I embraced the intoxicating anarchy of sex.

Did you (or any others here) have similar, overwhelming rushes of emotion on that first trip into THE GREAT SM UNKNOWINGNESS?

SECOND....you wrote:

<<the way I incorporate BDSM into the way I live my life today >>

...and naturally incited my unrelenting curiosity (did I ever mention I'm a voyeur too?)...

SO: how DO you incorporate BDSM into the way you live?

By the way...please feel free to get as graphic as you like. I believe I speak for the others when I say...WE WON'T MIND ANY X-RATED DETAILS. ;-)

Glory

Ohh I can go there, Gloria ;) I'm going to do it the lazy way and paste it from my site. Several online used what Mistress Sierra and I both had written as an example of meeting safely - online to RT and such...Finally I said I would make it easy and added it to my site...not long after - I did a short writing also that I would like to post as well;

Subj: About my vacation :)
Date: 1/16/2001 9:39:24 AM Central Standard Time
From: SteelSkys

Good morning, everyone :)

I've received several "your back" and several "tell, tell, tell"
:: laffin ::

Therefore, I will tell, tell, tell. <g>

What I will tell is my version. If Mistress Sierra, Mistress Vanessa or Kate wants to add to this ( or correct me :x ) I will of course, send what they want :)

As most of you know, I went to CT, to meet and was so very honored to stay with LadySierra00.

I've known Mistress Sierra for 3 years, maybe a little longer. But this was our first Realtime meeting. <g>

Ohhh Let me tell you, the beautiful Mistress Sierra can walk up to me with a long-stemmed Red Rose, any place ... any time <g>

If anyone ever tells you, they have met me and I'm Umm ... we won't use the word "short"... But, "not tall" <g> Well, it's true :: laffin ::

So here stands, "not tall" Steel ... and the lovely Mistress Sierra. She's tall, slim, beautiful, sexy, Umm... ops, I got off track here <g>

My My... let me move on ;)
Anyhow :: laffin ::

The next day, Mistress Sierra and I left and met Mistress Vanessa and her Submissive, Kate for the evening :)

Here is Steel again... ANOTHER beautiful Domme <g>
Was Steel in Domme Heaven? Hell yes! <g>
Steel was even in "Kate" Heaven LOL.. Kate was wonderful, so much fun. We of course got in NO trouble, being perfect as we are ;)

Ops, I did it again... On with the story ;)

As you all know... Meeting Mistress Vanessa, meant so very much to me, because of many reasons and how much she has helped me to grow and learn. And what she saved me from. And of course, this newsletter, which means so much to me.

I can't even put into words what all of this has meant to me.

Kneeling in front of Mistress Vanessa...after so much she's been through with me...Then looking up at this beautiful Domme... I can't even put it into words. Therefore, I'm not going to try. It isn't possible to do.
Mistress Vanessa was everything... NO. Mistress Vanessa was even more than I would have ever imagined.

I sat listening to Mistress Sierra and Mistress Vanessa talk about different BDSM issues. It was wonderful, to sit and listen to the knowledge they both exchanged. It was amazing :) I could have sat and listened to them forever.

After Mistress Sierra and I returned to CT, there was a Dungeon waiting on my little ass..Umm.. Not for my mouth or anything, I am sure <g>
:x

Yet again, I knelt before a beautiful Domme and was so very honored to do so :)

Again, I can't put it into words. I just can't. :(

It was all so very beautiful.

Everyone, there is kneeling before Domme's...and there is also kneeling before Domme's with an amazing amount of REAL Knowledge.
There is kneeling before people who "claim to be a Domme."

I'm closing this because this is very hard...but I will close it with saying...

I was so very honored to kneel before two very beautiful Domme's. Domme's with an extreme amount of knowledge of what Ds/BDSM is "really" about :)

Mistress Sierra, Mistress Vanessa and Kate, I want to thank all three of you for sharing with me, one of the happiest, most special times of my life :)

Steel :)

Subj: Re: About my vacation :) Mistress Sierra's Version
Date: 1/16/2001 11:10:45 PM Central Standard Time

To: SteelSkys

I think Steelgirl and I should tell some of what we did to prepare for this trip, what we did during the trip, what we did after, and perhaps it will help others who are thinking of meeting.

Steel and I have been friends for a long time. When I asked her to come and visit me for my birthday, I was so pleased that she would. I, also, knew she needed something new and different.

So after she went through her "Oh my God what shall I wear?" phase, she began to ask the important questions. What my actual name was? My complete address and telephone number where she could be checked on. What was I expecting of her and, of course what I could not expect? What we would do and where we would go? Was I taking a vacation?

I left the details of the NYC trip up to her. I knew the tension and excitement would make her a little nuts, it would have been fun if she hadn't had so many other pressures. I never made her feel that she had to come, she could have used the ticket any time or I could have cashed it in.

As the time got closer and I felt that she was trying to make it clear that we were "equal," I felt just as compelled to make it clear we are "equal" but not the same. I am a female Dominant, I like the "control," I do not tolerate "topping from the bottom" and I make no apologies for it. I sent a list of parameters or what I expected from her and what I would not put up with, I was absolutely to the point with no offense intended but I wanted her to know I could be an absolute Bitch when I felt justified. I also included what I was paying for, what I would be responsible for, what activities I was planning on, and that it all had to happen around other obligations. I could not spend every minute with her, there would be time she had to occupy herself. She responded softly then made it clear what her hard limits were. We left very little to chance. But now we were more excited than ever.

I am six foot in heels and she is very petite. I think the minute she saw me, she let me see a side of her that is so incredible--shy, demure, and nervous. Once we saw each other and knew we were exactly like our screen personas, we exhaled.

I wanted her to feel safe and relaxed. We went to a wonderful, cozy restaurant unique to Hartford with a friend of mine. It was a safe environment after a long trip.

Meeting up with Vanessa and Kate was not easy, every thing that could go wrong did. Traffic, congested bars, NYC parking, spending the better part of the night hunting for a place to sit, to park, to dance. But we all took it in stride and the best part of the evening was spent in a chain restaurant late into the night just chatting. We discovered that we have mutual interests and I am planning on continuing a friendship with two beautiful women.

I am a professional Dominatrix so I have a nicely equipped dungeon. But there was never an expectation that we had to play, it was neither a privilege to be earned nor a punishment. If we played it was because she trusted me enough to relinquish control and I had earned her respect.

My loft is a gathering place for an interesting array of people, most into BDSM in various forms. There may be a doctor, a lawyer, a student, a sub, a Dom/me, or just a kinky CD. My phone rings often. Steel took it all in stride and she felt immersed in BDSM. My level of play is intense to say the least and she also took that in stride as well as on her little ass.

We communicated often, I kept asking her to tell me what was on her mind and sometimes she couldn't, I needed to make sure she understood what my intent was and she needed to make me understand what she was feeling...we didn't always get it right but we tried.

During Steel's trip to meet me, we did vanilla things, we did BDSM things, we talked kink, and cuddled often. She was always monitored by family and friends for her safety and she was always under my protection. Maybe that was what made it so magical, my feisty, fiery, fiercely protective petite bottom friend finally felt like she didn't have to fight or save the world, she just had to please me and I would protect her. But isn't that the beauty of D/s? For me, BDSM is mostly mental play and I have to say Monday morning I was thoroughly exhausted and Steelgirl was too energetic.

She is safely back home going through BDSM withdrawals. I accidentally left a zippered sweatshirt in one of her bags, I told her to keep it so it will keep her warm. Everyone be gentle with her, for all her feistiness...she really is submissive, she just isn't submissive to everyone.

Thank you Steelgirl for a weekend and birthday I will never forget,
Your Protectress,
Mistress Sierra

"A Place With No Scene"
Written by SteelSkys
1-27-2001

I've been asked, "How do you cope, living in a place where there is no scene?"
My simple reply to that question was "Not very well."

As most of you know, I was recently in CT and NY visiting friends I've known online, for a long time

Two of the women are Domme's and the other, a Submissive.

Even though we did not go to the Ds Clubs in NY, there was still a certain "completeness" I could feel so deeply within myself. Simply by being around three very special people, who share the same interests in the Ds Lifestyle.
There can't be a Ds Club that could ever touch that feeling :)
Being among strangers in the Lifestyle and being among "friends" in the Lifestyle are two totally different things.

Coming back to a place with no scene has been very difficult, to say the least.

The "completeness" I felt, is now replaced with "emptiness."

So how do I cope?
The best I can.
I stay in contact online, my mailing list and such as that.
I sometimes take out my little collection of toys, a sweat shirt jacket, a tee-shirt, and keep them close to me.

Does it complete the "emptiness"?
No.

But it's my way of "coping." Or at least trying to.

Am I against "Online Ds Relationships"?
No.
Not if they're true relationships.

Can Online Relationships, buying toys, reading about Ds, completely fill the "emptiness"?
No.

There is only one thing that will ever complete that "emptiness."
And that is, Realtime :)

~*SteelSkys

Storm

I hesitated in answering this post because I'm still so new that I sometimes feel like I'm better off to just read and be quiet....but yikes! A couple of your questions jumped out like "ooh, I can answer THAT one:-)

>>When you realized that there was not only a name for your passions and desires but also a group of people who were active in sharing their knowledge and experience.....what did you do?<<

I went absolutely nuts!!!!! :-) I was truly overwhelmed and felt good and bad and scared and curious and guilty and absolutely certain that I was going straight to hell for even entertaining such perverted thoughts, let alone admit the desires now to act them out! I have had fantasies as long as I can remember but of course good little girls don't have those ugly thoughts so I never told anyone. The one that was so prevelent was where I was in a brothel ( against my will of course :-) ) and was forced to please men but forbidden to enjoy it. I was screwed time and time again and sometimes told not to move a muscle. Now all this was before I knew anything about D/s; BDSM or anything of the sort. This went on for years, including through a very bad marriage. Well, one day last Novenmber, I'm responding to an email, minding my own business and I get an IM from someone I don't know. Rule #1...NEVER respond to IM's from people you don't know. I broke the rule and boy am I glad I did!!! :-)It was so funny, he said he was looking for someone who was interested in a lifstyle like his. I asked what lifestyle is that? He said D/s and I asked......what's that? During the conversation that ensued he managed to scare the begeebies out of me and we no longer speak..BUT..... what he did do was awaken the keeper of the forbidden fruit inside of me and I went 'splorin! One statement did it for me, when I asked what D/s was, his answer was "when one person is in control of another" now, I know that the answer is much more involved than that, but at the time, it was all I needed to hear. When he said that I was IMMEDIATELY aroused and just had to know more. As I've said before, I'm not one for chat rooms, I've yet to find a friendly one. But it was the first place I went to "see" what these people talk about. I lurked for a while then got up the nerve to ask.."anyone here interested in talking to a novice?" I had so many questions! There was One who answered my questions, and is still answering them today <g>. I am still amazed at how vast the community is and the amount of information is just phenomenal. My initial response was to search for answers, as it is with everything that I do. I drove straight to Barnes and Noble, found the copy of Different Loving that was recommended and cried at the table over my cup of Starbucks not long into the interviews......I had found something that I didn't know was lost...ME!!! Thanks for the question Storm, and oh, Glory? Maybe we need a testimony board!! lol!! Sorry I got so long winded!!
Thanks for being patient with this novice!
Hugs and kisses,

deb

deb,

I'm so glad you went ahead and replied. (Thanks also to Storm for starting this thread, and for Thorn's and Belinda's long, thoughtful responses!)

I think that it's incredibly powerful when we SMers tell our stories. It's very reassuring and refreshing to hear people talk honestly about emotions and understandings--esp. compared with all the bs that's out there. The reality is always much more compelling than the fantasy, IMO.

Gloria

When you realized that there was not only a name for your passions and desires but also groups of people who where active in sharing their knowledge and experience ....... what did you do ?

I heard a submissive friend describing her scene online in a chat room - and when she said he had hooks in his ceiling I can only describe one thing that happended LUST - my body quivered, my heart raced and my pussy clenched - then the mind took over and i started asking her questions, more questions and even more - well needless to say their scenes were just not for a long term thing, too different of the normal variety of life issues, and so she introduced us - and well, here we are 5 years later. I found gloria's site from another sub friend and also have just experimented - and attended some parties - seeing it live was an experience, I felt everything was everything I could do, no limits, except the needles scene - that bugged me and thank god M didnt care for it either.

Did the timing in learning "what this was" parallel your discovery of your sexual attitudes? yes, since it was the end of my divorce and rediscovery of myself all over, not just sexually.

And last ...... How long did it take before you actually acted on you thoughts and desires and what form did that action take.

A lifetime I would guess - since my first experience with D/s wasn't anything that had a title to it - all my life I liked it rough and loved head games added with sex - but didnt understand it and didnt label it - left that to others to bring to me once I opened up and embraced it.

From: Thorn4MyRose

Well, first off, it certainly seems that my initial speculation about why this would be a good topic was heavily underestimated. Fantastic replies so far. :-)

Okay...down to business:

<< First, I'm interested in your perceptions the first time you visited an SM club. Did you feel aroused by what you saw, or was it more of an intellectual revelation? ...Did you (or any others here) have similar, overwhelming rushes of emotion on that first trip into THE GREAT SM UNKNOWINGNESS? >>

Well, the visit was certainly an epiphany, but my perceptions IN the club were a bit tempered by circumstances that first time. As I think I've alluded to elsewhere, the first time I visited an S&M club was purely spontaneous and by accident. Accordingly, I wasn't dressed appropriately for the environment, so the most prevalent feeling I had was self-consciousness because I literally looked like I didn't fit in. Still, my curiosity prevailed of course, and the intrigue kept me there, but the full excitement and impact didn't really catch up until later. So, no on-site 'exhilaration' to report that first time...but the next time was much different. <g>

<< SO: how DO you incorporate BDSM into the way you live? >>

(Ah, isn't the co-conspirator of the voyeur: the exhibitionist? <eg>)

The context of my statement was really more to express how my tastes have evolved over the years...and how BDSM has become such a core, positive force in my life. I hope no one had visions of some guy perpetually running around the countryside with a whip in one hand and cuffs in the other when they read my initial comment. :-) (But alas, I DO keep a set of case-hardened, chrome plated, Peerless 300 cuffs in my glove compartment and there is a coiled, plaque-mounted longtail whip in my office. NO one has ever asked me why it's there...though I have detected some longing looks. <g>)

Be safe,
T.

Thorn,

Please don't tell me you wore a Hawaiian shirt to an SM club or I'll never be able to think of you the same way again.

Glory

From: Thorn4MyRose

LOL. No Hawaiian shirts in my wardrobe -- not even back then. (I've never even owned anything close to a leisure suit either.) ;-)

Ohhh My!!!

I just had a wonderful vision of Gloria in a lovely black tux with tails, swinging her whip :: grinning::

I DO love a femme in a tux <g>

Oh Gloria, would you happen to HAVE a pic like that?? <grinning>

Steel

I've always wanted a tux--the Lili Marlene look definitely has its appeal. (I'd also love a collection of uniforms, for that matter.)

Finding men's clothes in my size is a virtual impossibility. And I just haven't been able to bring myself to shop in the boys' department. :-)

Glory

Gloria?

I have a Uniform... depending on what you like I suppose. But see, I was this little 911/Police Dispatcher and had to wear a uniform.

Does a badge count?

Men's clothes just doesn't fit me right in places :)
They are made so differently...
And with me, I'm only 5 feet tall so, that does NOT help matters.

Be

I was going to suggest the little boys department Gloria - but then read your post - I live in a very accepting state of California so women buying mens clothes and vice versa isn't a problem - and the little ladies who wear mens clothing shop in large upscale department stores (Macy's, Saxs etc.) and they have a great collection of mens suits and tux's in the wedding department, size 16 or 18 in boys is perfect for somebody your size - that size is a little too small in the rear for me - my bubble butt gets in the way, I wore a tux once to a formal party, bought womens black slacks and bought boy/teen size jacket - womens white shirt and a tie - worked great

Glory

That's why you have yer obedient one learn to sew!!

C.

how long ago and how?

5 months next week....shopping online for corsets (of course) went through a link and WOW! never heard of D/s, BDSM, or any of it before then....

How long until i acted upon it? Immediately! i read for a solid week at least...found a Dom to train me (that was a huge helping hand from Fate) the next week...spent three weeks on email and phone until we met for real...and the rest has been chronicled here on Glorias boards. The impact on my life???? HUGE! im happier, less conflicted, softer, more focused, and 30 lbs slimmer.

Note: i had been exploring my sexuality casually/infrequently with a vanilla friend for about a year...and found i was attracted to bondage but never really acted upon it much. But for me...this is an emotional journey more that one into kink...the kink is just icing on the cake.

i have always-- at least as far back as about 4 years old-- had fantasies of being captured, raped, tortured, etc. As a small child i discovered that holding my breath and/or laying on top of something that poked me and caused pain made my masturbation much more intense. This fascination with pain, combined with a desire to be controlled by others, caused me tremendous shame, and i hid it fiercely, feeling that i was sick and perverse. i tried praying (and i'm not even religious!)and counseling-- hard, because i was too ashamed to talk about it even with the counselor-- to get rid of it when i was younger. When, a year and a half ago-- January 2000, shortly after i turned 31, a casual lover told me he could tell that i was a submissive and that i enjoyed pain, it changed my life dramatically. For some reason, the fact that one other person could tell how i felt, and actually liked that about me, lifted a horrible weight from my shoulders. The man moved away by March, and i knew i had to keep going with this as part of my life. i searched on-line, and located a local organization. The next week i joined (last April), and within a month, started going to play parties regularly. Six months ago(November) i met my Master-- we had exchanged letters through Alt.com-- at a local munch, and now i am living my dreams as His slave. A long story i know, but finding the BDSM community transformed my life in the most glorious way, and i guess i'm too happy to be quiet about it.

Years ago in my previous marriage we experimented, at my urging, into the very elementary stages of bdsm. It was only to the extent that we got some velcro cuffs and used those a few times. I know i enjoyed being submissive but did not really think ot it in bdsm terms. It was not until my marriage of 22 years ended that i attempted to find out more about bdsm. I once visited a Pro but did not find that fullfulling. I eventually found a local place that play parties but i could not muster the courage to go there alone. I used the computer a great deal to leasn more and talked on many chat venues, in addition to buying some books on the subject.

My first play party was one that had about 300 people there and I found it quite overwhelming. As a small aside, one of the people I meet there, much to my surprise, was a young man whom had previously been in a youth organization I was in charge of. He was rather surprised to find me there too.

I went to the party with a Mistress as Her sub and she did ask me if i wanted to play pubically, but i declined the invitation. I noticed that most of the players were female subs with male Dommes. Near the end of evening i did watch a Domme with a male sub and I have to admit watching that was a turn on for me. I think at particular point in time i could have played pubically, my head (the one on my shoulder <gr>) was in a different space.

Since that time i have met the love of my life (my wife, lover and Mistress). We have attended one small play party and did not find the atmosphere to be a very friendly one. I would think we might not be considered to be serious players, just on the edges. We are very much in love and would rather enjoy each other's company at home. That is not to say we are constantly into bdsm at home either, however we both enjoy our own style of bdsm and endulge ourselves whenever we so desire. I think it is a balancing act at times between our work, frame of mind, being weary and just plain old day to day life as to when we play at home.

We would still would like to go again to another play, if nothing else but to just observe and learn. Sometimes I think it would be nice to become friends with another like couple so we do not have to sort of live in this secret little world. Forums like this though at least allows us to articulate our feelings and views without fear of being shunned, etc. Thanks

dutch