[D&S] has been a lifelong part of my soul. It's not something that someone has a choice about. [There's] a funny story [my mother] mentioned to me the other day. [We] are very, very close. I have been able to share all of me with her and tell her everything that I have gone through, the things I do and my desires. She recalled a time when I was little and she had spanked me. I ran away crying to my room and came back later and said, "Thank you, Mommy. I needed that." She said she just realized that I probably enjoyed it! And I probably did! [But] I don't think that's where [the desire] came from.

I was an only child and didn't have a lot of interaction with other kids. I never experienced anything with other kids. But I would [spank myself] every Saturday. I'd [spank] myself to sleep. I'd run into the living room, turn myself over an ottoman, pull my pants down, and spank myself. I'd set limits for myself: "A hundred, and then another hundred!" I really didn't understand sex [yet]. All I knew was that I enjoyed [spanking] and was obsessed with it. When I started masturbating, I was always thinking that I was tied down and someone was doing this to me, and they were willing to force this on me.

[For] people who have the desire, it's not something that they can stop. [They can't] say, "I'm not going do that any more. I'm just going to have a straight relationship." It's something that you've got to accept as part of your soul. That's [what] I did. I know that to be truly happy, I've got to have that in my life to some degree. It is a very important part of my life. I discovered that more over the last years than ever before. I've gone through two marriages to absolutely wonderful men, but they did not have natural kinky desires. They were open-minded enough to try things with me, but it wasn't good. I recently [left] a relationship that was the fulfillment of my passions. I loved him, and the passion could not be beat, but there were a lot of complicating circumstances. But I did realize through that relationship that I could never exist again without [that passion]. My marriages failed because I did not have that connection; it is a part of my soul. Now that I've known what it's like to have that part fulfilled, I know that I [must] have a partner who [can] share those passions with me.

Emotionally it's the ultimate form of love for me. I just totally want to give myself over to someone and please him and belong to him. I've analyzed it my whole life, and I reached a point where I finally said, "I don't know why I'm like this. I give up trying to understand. All I know is that it pleases something in myself."

I [am unwilling] to do a lot of things, [such as] going to a bar where [my] girlfriends might want to get picked up. I know that I'm not going to meet someone kinky. I've tried to talk about what to me is humdrum, everyday stuff [to] make conversation, and I find myself coming home with a very empty feeling. I find that I cannot have a true friend unless I feel that I can confide in them exactly who I am and what I am. Subsequently, I have not had an overwhelming amount of close friends over the years. I've been lucky enough to have a few that are very close; most of them are in the scene and understand S&M. I would rather save my time for those moments that really mean something, where there's a very special interaction that really matters to me.

[In my] last relationship, [my partner said] he could tell me things, intimate desires or things that he had done that he could never ever tell anybody else in his whole life, because of the intimacy that we shared. If you can share these desires with somebody and open up that much and become that vulnerable by opening up, then it's like you can tell [that person] anything. It's a pure honesty between two people that to me is unique and special. When you're involved in [D&S] situations, there are instances where you are literally placing your life in someone else's hands. Or, as a dominant, you have someone else's life in your hands. You've got the most complete, honest trust that you can place in another human being.

At this point in my life, I would like to keep [D&S] more of an intimate act between a lover and myself, although I have no qualms with it stretching over into other areas. I belong to the largest private club here in Los Angeles and under certain circumstances at parties, it's enjoyable to share the play with other people. My main desire is to keep it a very special one-on-one. I've fantasized about living the fantasy. I've never experienced it. I think it would be fun to always know that I belonged to him, but there are times when I want to be in a different reality, to take care of business, do the bills, do the shopping.

I've always been submissive. That's my primary interest. There is [perhaps] 10 percent dominance in there that can be drawn out at times. I was 17 when I lost my virginity. Up until that point, I was so involved with puberty [that] the other fantasies got buried. I didn't associate [them] directly with sex. My first boyfriend and I experimented with different things, but we didn't get into B&D play. I didn't have the courage to bring out those desires until my early 20s.

When I moved out to California, I was [far] enough away from my parents that I could do what I want [without them knowing]. My folks are the most wonderful parents [one] could ever hope for. My mother is very understanding, [but] it would just kill my father. It would hurt him, and [it] would hurt me to do that to him. So I never [thought] about doing something back there.

When I [got] here, I started dancing at some of the clubs. [That] led to modeling work, and [then] I saw an ad for fetish models. It intrigued me. The thought of combining [modeling] with something that would satisfy some of [my] fetish desires was appealing, so I applied. I worked for this one company: they were doing various magazines--bondage, spanking, a little-girl look, two girls together. When it came to the spanking work, they said, "We'll use rouge. This is just stills. You don't have to do anything." I [said], "What? You're going to take my fun away from me?" And [the guy said], "Oh! Sure! Go for it, if you want!" And so we did, and I got very red. He said, "If you can do this, you should be working for a video company." So he referred me to [one]. I figure that a lot of people who do this photography work are not actually into the subject. I have worked for a lot of people producing this type of material that don't understand it at all.

I did quite a bit of work for Nu-West. I was amazed that I was making such good money doing something I enjoyed so much, that fulfilled fantasies for me. [I also worked for a private club for] nine months; I did not enjoy the experience. I found myself doing sessions that I wasn't really interested in. [It became] my job, and that took away from my personal enjoyment. I left, but through that job I was introduced to another professional company, Harmony Communications, that did bondage magazines and videos. [Things] snowballed, and I eventually worked for almost every company in the industry: Nu-West, Bizarre Videos, New Pleasures, Cal-Star, and Shadow Lane.

I've been in over 80 videos [and] over 68 magazines. My picture's been all over the world. It's been associated with some of the more well known magazines and videos. Harmony Communications put out a two-part magazine called the Perils of Topanga Canyon. It sold out almost immediately and they consider it a classic. I'm very proud of it, myself. It's an action-adventure story, done in Topanga Canyon. They wrote it well. They put a very humorous story around it, and it's like a regular old-style serial. The Bondage Is My Pleasure series [from] Cal-Star is very popular. And the spanking scene in Hitchhiker Spanked II was very popular. Shadow Lane's Older Men With Younger Wives [is also] very popular. There are so many!

I had a chance to [act out more things] that I liked when I started writing. [There were] things that I [could] not experience in real life, because they [required] too elaborate a set and too many people! But one video scene I wrote was in Wild Thing. [My partner] tied my arms over my head and used a bullwhip on me. [We] both really got off on that idea and specifically wrote it in. I remember our cameraman was so astounded by the intensity of that scene, he kept [repeating], "You don't have to do this!" I said, "Hey! I wrote this! I want this!! Just hold the camera!" His camera [got] a little shaky; luckily the other cameraman was into the scene and was able to do photograph it better!

[My co-writer and I] had an emotional relationship outside of our business, and we often spoke about not showing too much [and] trying to [keep] a few acts that were personal [just] for us. We didn't want to give away that much of our relationship. He also felt that working [took] away from what we had, and that's part of the reason why I ended up leaving the industry. [Ultimately], it became so personal that when we did break up, I could not even imagine working in the industry any more without him. Another [thing] I felt was that I had a lot of talent, and I did not want to see it only on adult-bookstore shelves. I'm trying now to do some other work in a more legitimate field. I always felt that I had a great deal of talent as a dancer. [And] I enjoy singing. So I'm thinking about going back [for] classes, maybe someday putting a band together, working on music videos. I have a lot of ideas for some erotic, really exciting videos. I'm also toying with [the] idea of [writing] an action-adventure story for the regular screen. I would like to see the regular market look at the subject of dominance and submission in a more accepted light. It can be a very exciting and natural thing.

I think there are many people out there that have fantasies, [but] because they think it's not socially accepted, they won't even allow themselves to think about [or] explore them. I think they find themselves going through the motions, trying to be happy and thinking, "This is all there is." [But] they could feel a passion or an emotion they have never had before if they would only allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to open up and experience whatever turns them on. For me, it's submissiveness. For others, it's dominance. For others, it's a foot fetish. For others, it's something entirely different. I encourage people to be more accepting and to explore themselves.

I went through most of my [life] thinking, "It doesn't exist; I can't connect with someone on that level." I kept settling. Then I found that one person and I was willing to sacrifice anything for that. I sacrificed a hell of a lot and went through emotional hell and torment because of this, but I was willing to go through it, to try and make it work. When it didn't work, I lost faith again: "It's impossible to meet that person." But I finally had to [tell] myself that it's not going to happen if I have that attitude. All I can do is take every avenue in front of me. [Right now] I'm answering personal ads and [placing] personal ads and going to private social functions. [I'm] trying to put out that energy and be positive and to believe that [if] I had it once, I can have it again, perhaps with someone I can connect with, who's looking for what I'm looking for, who's turned on by the same things I'm turned on by. [One has to] have faith and hope and put out that energy. It won't happen [otherwise].